Ye Ole Fatty Boombalatties

Posted: October 20, 2008 in kids, rants, vacation


Well, we did it again.

Renaissance-style.

(yes…I was wearing knickers)

This past weekend we made our way to Carver, Massachusetts for the annual “King Richard’s Faire.”

King Richard’s Faire slogan:
“Where Losers Tend to Congregate.”

I just go to watch them.

Once again, the place was chock full of revelers dressing in the spirit of the times.

When I say “revelers” I mean “people with the same social acceptance level as a man in a pair of crocs.”

I mean that in a bad way.

Dude…TAKE OFF THE F*CKING CROCS.


As our family is getting out of our car in the parking lot (sorry…”Ye Olde Horseless Carriage…OH F*CK THIS SHIT“), the next car over is dumping it’s contents of:

1) Four big fat chicks

2) Two big fat dudes

3) All fat people wearing thick-rimmed Drew Carey glasses (as was the custom in Ye Olde England before Thine Holy Disposable Contacts were invented)

4) All big fat people dressed head-to-toe in medieval garb

Some people who go to these and dress up like this aren’t fat.

They’re just regular losers instead of big fat ones.

Not that I have anything against fat people…I used to be one of them.

So I hold nothing against them.

But, even if I did, they probably couldn’t feel it.


Regardless…I was telling one of the dads in my son’s karate class that we were heading to the fair(e) a couple of days before.

Me: “We went last year and the kids liked it…so we’ll give it a shot again.”

Karate Dad: “I should go. You know, I had a medieval wedding, and I still have all my chain mail and armor.”

Me: “No kidding. I had no idea you were white trash.”

I may not have said that last thing.

But I thunk it.

Loser.

Seriously…where do you store all this shit in your double-wide?

I would imagine it takes up a lot of room and probably displaces your collection of garden gnomes and porcelain fruit brick-a-brack.

But I’ve digressed.


At one of the shows, we found a seat that had a decent view for the kids.

Notice I say, “for the kids.”

Because, unfortunately for me and my wife, our view was eclipsed by a “fair maiden” who was roughly the size of my backyard shed.


Wife (looking at the shed’s outfit): “Holy shit…that has to be made from at LEAST a queen size comforter.”

Seriously – for the amount of fabric that this woman was wearing, she probably could have sheltered at least three homeless guys.

Actually, she probably was. I DO think at one point I saw a small hand come out from under a fold of back fat and grab at my Cheetos.

Me: “GET BACK HOMELESS BACK-FOLD DWELLER!!”


“Shed” was with a horde of 6 other people…two of which were guys who, although were not fat, were still apparently socially ostracized (i.e., they work as computer programmers/developers and – therefore – are really, really good at “The SIMS”)

Unfortunately for us, the juggler on stage picked on one of her friends the whole time, resulting a hideous loud cackle of laughter from Shed’s universe-devouring piehole every 12 seconds.

Shed: EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH!!!”

Jesus H. Christ.

It’s like sitting next to an annoying planet.

At this point in the show, I had moved in FRONT of it, with my kids beside me…while my wife remained next to it.

Me (turning to look at wife):
“Hey…where did your Cheetos go?”


After the show, we were talking about Shed…and that f*cking laugh.

Wife: “At one point, she looked at me and apologized.”

Me: “Did it sound like this: ‘Unga Bin Jeesa, HAN SOLO’…?”

*cricket*

Me: “That was Jabba the Hutt.”

Wife: “Yeah…I know.”

She never thinks I’m funny.


So we strolled through the fair(e) and had the kids take pictures with some of the characters walking around.

Knights.

*click*

Warriors.

*click*


Weird shit I don’t understand.

*click*


Even a picture with King Richard himself.

*click*

Then, there was this one:


Um….

*click?*

Really?

A f*cking Stormtrooper…

…at a Renaissance Fair(e)?!?

Oh well.

I guess that explains the presence of Jabba there as well.

Who knew Jabba liked Cheetos?

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