Ye Ole Fatty Boombalatties

Posted: October 20, 2008 in kids, rants, vacation

Well, we did it again.


(yes…I was wearing knickers)

This past weekend we made our way to Carver, Massachusetts for the annual “King Richard’s Faire.”

King Richard’s Faire slogan:
“Where Losers Tend to Congregate.”

I just go to watch them.

Once again, the place was chock full of revelers dressing in the spirit of the times.

When I say “revelers” I mean “people with the same social acceptance level as a man in a pair of crocs.”

I mean that in a bad way.


As our family is getting out of our car in the parking lot (sorry…”Ye Olde Horseless Carriage…OH F*CK THIS SHIT“), the next car over is dumping it’s contents of:

1) Four big fat chicks

2) Two big fat dudes

3) All fat people wearing thick-rimmed Drew Carey glasses (as was the custom in Ye Olde England before Thine Holy Disposable Contacts were invented)

4) All big fat people dressed head-to-toe in medieval garb

Some people who go to these and dress up like this aren’t fat.

They’re just regular losers instead of big fat ones.

Not that I have anything against fat people…I used to be one of them.

So I hold nothing against them.

But, even if I did, they probably couldn’t feel it.

Regardless…I was telling one of the dads in my son’s karate class that we were heading to the fair(e) a couple of days before.

Me: “We went last year and the kids liked it…so we’ll give it a shot again.”

Karate Dad: “I should go. You know, I had a medieval wedding, and I still have all my chain mail and armor.”

Me: “No kidding. I had no idea you were white trash.”

I may not have said that last thing.

But I thunk it.


Seriously…where do you store all this shit in your double-wide?

I would imagine it takes up a lot of room and probably displaces your collection of garden gnomes and porcelain fruit brick-a-brack.

But I’ve digressed.

At one of the shows, we found a seat that had a decent view for the kids.

Notice I say, “for the kids.”

Because, unfortunately for me and my wife, our view was eclipsed by a “fair maiden” who was roughly the size of my backyard shed.

Wife (looking at the shed’s outfit): “Holy shit…that has to be made from at LEAST a queen size comforter.”

Seriously – for the amount of fabric that this woman was wearing, she probably could have sheltered at least three homeless guys.

Actually, she probably was. I DO think at one point I saw a small hand come out from under a fold of back fat and grab at my Cheetos.


“Shed” was with a horde of 6 other people…two of which were guys who, although were not fat, were still apparently socially ostracized (i.e., they work as computer programmers/developers and – therefore – are really, really good at “The SIMS”)

Unfortunately for us, the juggler on stage picked on one of her friends the whole time, resulting a hideous loud cackle of laughter from Shed’s universe-devouring piehole every 12 seconds.


Jesus H. Christ.

It’s like sitting next to an annoying planet.

At this point in the show, I had moved in FRONT of it, with my kids beside me…while my wife remained next to it.

Me (turning to look at wife):
“Hey…where did your Cheetos go?”

After the show, we were talking about Shed…and that f*cking laugh.

Wife: “At one point, she looked at me and apologized.”

Me: “Did it sound like this: ‘Unga Bin Jeesa, HAN SOLO’…?”


Me: “That was Jabba the Hutt.”

Wife: “Yeah…I know.”

She never thinks I’m funny.

So we strolled through the fair(e) and had the kids take pictures with some of the characters walking around.





Weird shit I don’t understand.


Even a picture with King Richard himself.


Then, there was this one:




A f*cking Stormtrooper…

…at a Renaissance Fair(e)?!?

Oh well.

I guess that explains the presence of Jabba there as well.

Who knew Jabba liked Cheetos?

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