Dear Moog: The Scarlett Letter

Posted: October 9, 2008 in Dear Moog, wtf


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where the “peanut butter on penis” trick REALLY DOES work with dogs.

This has nothing to do with giving advice.

I’m just throwing it out there.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************
Today’s letter comes from “Lilo,” over at The Mean Girls’ Guide to Glory.

It reads:

Dear Moog,

I have been surprised to see that you have NOT acknowledged a certain secret wedding that went on this last weekend.

Scarlett Reynolds…… Kind of has a nice ring to it.

Have you blocked this traumatic even from your mind?

Are you seeking professional counseling?

What advice do you have for others who may be dealing with this type of situation?

You know…when the person you obsessively stalk gets hitched to some douche bag and doesn’t even invite you.

I’m concerned for you health.

Lilo

****************************
Dear Lilo,

How’s Stitch? Is he still a cranky little rascal?

Tell him I said ‘hi.’

That crazy Stitch.


Also – thanks for the letter!

You.

Bitch.

Ugh.

How do I feel?!?

I feel hurt.

Betrayed.

Incarcerated.

I know the latter is not technically a “feeling”

… but it pretty much describes my state since I was “caught” on the “premises of the wedding” with my “penis” in one hand and a “large explosive device engraved with Ryan Reynold’s name on it” in the other.

(Helpful reader tip: if you re-read the above sentence while making “air quotes” with your fingers, you really get the full effect)


You know…I’ve decided:

I’m NOT going to address this at all.

I don’t think it’s worthy of comment other than:

WHY, SCARLETT?!? WHYYYYY?!?


But that’s it.

My parole officer thinks it best I lay low for a while.

Which is pretty much what I WAS doing in the “bushes” on “private property” before being “arrested” for “indecent exposure” and “lewd and lascivious behavior.”

I’m fighting the “domestic terrorism” charge, though.

Seriously – Ryan Reynolds should be fair game.

Moog out.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s