Scar Search

Posted: October 6, 2008 in kids

About an inch and a half long.

No, no…

It’s not the measurement of my erect penis.

(as I can best that measurement by AT LEAST another inch)

It’s the length of my new scar.

My left cheek is sporting a freshly made gouge about an inch and a half long.

How did it happen?

I’m telling everyone that I got it during “The Eliminator” portion of “American Gladiators.”

This is not entirely false…

…as it DID happen during physical combat with an assailant.

You know…

…if you can consider my four year old son an assailant.

I know I do.

Here’s how my new deformity happened:

My son cons me into wrestling with him almost every day.

This differs from the “wrestling” I did with MY dad…

…which involved beer, Vaseline, and – for some reason – the local Catholic priest.

Confession is gonna SUCK this year.


I have to put a time limit on our wrestling sessions, for a number of reasons:

1) I’m getting too old for this shit

2) If I didn’t put a time limit on this, we’d probably STILL be f*cking wrestling

3) My son completely kicks my ass


I wrestle with him while I’m on all fours…

…at which point he charges me and pummels me relentlessly about the head and neck.

(this is reminding me of a story that happened in my gym’s sauna…but this is not the time or place)

But I digress…


I lunged at my son at one point, in an effort to reach around his waist and grab him.

…not realizing that he weighs 44 pounds and has a waist roughly the diameter of a fence post.

My arm whipped around his waist at the same time my body was coming towards him.

My hand swung around his body…

…wrapping around his little waist like a tetherball around the pole…

…and smashed me in the face with such force that it dug into my cheek…

…and ripped half of it off.


I did this to myself.

The next five minutes comprised of me rolling around the floor in pain, grasping my eye, yelling:


…while my son continued to pummel me.

Thanks, son.


…here are my genitals…

…while I’m laying here holding my face in agony, could you give ’em a good swift kick?

Of course you could.

Thanks, son.

Wife (shaking head): “What happened?”

Me: “Am I bleeding?”

Wife: “Yes. What happened?”


I swear this kid is sleeping outside tonight.


…after I told her, I waited until she was done laughing at me to go check it out.

My eye half closed…

A big gash on my cheek…

…bleeding profusely…


I looked TOUGH.


I immediately began rummaging through my son’s toy boxes looking for his “pirate eye patch” to complete the look.

I couldn’t find it.


I settled instead for his Spiderman outfit – which IS a little snug…

…but makes me look like Peter Parker on the subway at the end of Spiderman 2.

You know…

…if his outfit shrunk 14 sizes while he was fighting Doc Ock.


You can really make out my tiny erection in this thing.

I’m SO wearing this on “American Gladiators.”


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