Renaissance Redux

Posted: October 1, 2008 in I'm an asshole, kids, vacation

Be warned….LOOOONG POST.

Mental Poo turned a year old on September 14th.

There was a party.

I didn’t invite any of you, because cake is too expensive.

This is directly related to the War in Iraq (where imported Chinese cake batter is painted with lead by-products derived from oil), and I didn’t want to start a political discussion that didn’t involve Photoshopped pictures of a nude Sarah Palin.

(I’m going to get hits on this site just for typing “nude Sarah Palin”)

Lesbian. Bukkake.

Lesbian Bukkake Sarah Palin Nude.

Wow….even MORE hits.

Sorry…now I’m just getting greedy.


…this being late September, it’s time again for the local Renaissance Festivals.

On September 17, 2007, I wrote a post about my experience with my family at King Richard’s Faire.

This post remains – to this day – my ONLY post without a single f*cking comment.

Not one.

However, in it’s defense, my blog was 3 days old…

….I didn’t “do pictures” (except from the typical Penthouse centerfolds)

…and I had one reader.

I’m including myself in this count.

We’ll be heading to this event again this year…however…in the interim…

Please enjoy “Renaissance Man” – remastered for your enjoyment.

With pictures.

Of a nude Sarah Palin lesbian orgy.

I can’t wait to see my stats after this.

Renaissance Man

My kids like knights and princesses.

I have a boy and a girl, so this works out well.

(yes, the boy likes knights and the girl likes princesses…whilst daddy likes nights with princesses…but I digress).

So the wife and I decided to pack up the kids yesterday and take them to King Richard’s Faire in Carver, MA.

Carver, Massachusetts motto: Where the F*CK are we?!?

This is a yearly event where you can relive the days of merry old England, complete with knights and wenches…

…right after you f*cking pay $25 per adult and $14 per child to gain thy royal rip-off entrance.

My kids were pretty psyched about this (going to the fair…not the admission price…because that sucked ass).

I’ve been to this before, and it is actually pretty cool to visit every so often.

The key words here: “visit” and “every so often”.

One lady told us that she would actually give us passes to come back the next weekend.

My wife and I looked at each other and said, “who would come here more than once a year?”.

Then you walk in, and you discover the answer to this question.

Everywhere you look are people who have never played a sport in their life (although most would consider “Dungeons and Dragons” sport)

…and bought hookers for their first sexual experience.

Personally, I don’t fall into this category because I’ve never played Dungeons and Dragons.

(shout out here to “Ms. Wizzy” on 5th and Main in Revere)

One thing you realize when you walk through these things is that more than half the people there have actually dressed for it.

Now, I’m not talking kids dressing up in their plastic knight outfits…I’m talking GROWN PEOPLE – adults…some MORE than adults (say, 60-ish), wearing chainmail and carrying swords, and merry ol’ grandma’s hiking up and pushing their lengthy boobs up and out of a cinched up corset.

I love boobs popping out as much as the next guy..but I think most out-of-shape women feel that a renaissance fair is THE place to finally..FINALLY..wear a corset.

So they take their 400 pound bodies with their 25 pound boobs…mash them into a corset, then hire the neighbors and a small college moving company (college guys are the best, as they’ll do anything if it involves boobs) to cinch the bejeesus out of the thing..and off they go.

The real problem with this visual is that although they look all hot and bosomy up top, they are STILL big women.

As such, the visage appears to look like those stress ball things you get from Spencer gifts…you know, the ones you put in your hand and squish.

The part in your hand is fine, but the rest of the jelly inside has nowhere else to go but out the other ends.


Nasty stuff that jelly.

The majority of these people are goddamn certifiable freaks.

They talk in fake English accents…

Loser #1: “‘Ello, guvnor! Fancy a bit o’ ale?”

Loser #2: “What?”

they carry on conversations about mead and ale…

…and – here’s the f*cking kicker:


Me: “I say there, my good man. Thine art a f*cking LOSER.”

Early on, my son had his picture taken with a knight. He was dressed in full regalia from head to toe – very cool looking…

…armor, sword..the whole deal.

The knight took time to teach him the ways of chivalry, laws, how to properly shake hands with a knight…honestly, it was cool.

We thanked Sir Stainless Testicles and went on our merry way.

However, about an hour later, we actually see this guy sitting next to us in the stands at the joust.


He was a customer.

He didn’t actually work there.

Sir Stainless Testicles, I now dub thee Sir OhMyGod YouAreSuchALoser.


One OTHER thing that confused me.

I saw two people dressed like Samurai.


I also saw some guy dressed in a turban with a big curvy sword.

I assume he was trying to be Aladdin.

Were they lost?

Did they not know that this was, like, kings and knights and shit?

Is this all they had in their closet…or was their knight outfit at the Royal Dry Cleaners getting thine stain out from last night’s Holy Hot Pocket and this was all they had left?

I didn’t get it.

Now, after you stare at enough bosoms popping out (HA! Like you can actually do that enough), you get hungry.

We packed along lunches, as I wasn’t sure how well my kids would take to eating a roast pig or slaughtered Christian.

So the wife and I dug into traditional medieval fare.

(please note the traditional Old English spelling):

1) Ye Old Pepperoni Pizzae
2) Thine Divine Diete Pepsie
3) Her Majesty’s Royal Onion Ringse…takes you right back to the days of old.

Enough fried food that I should be fighting off little brown dragons for most of the day today.



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