Pee Pee Pants

Posted: September 23, 2008 in college, friends, mental poo looza

Before I start today, got a movie review of “Baby Mama” over on Moog’s Movie Reviews.

Tina Fey…you haunt me.

Now…onward!

*************************
The following string of stories is brought to you by Spike.

Spike, if you recall, is one of my buddies from college.

Ah…college.

Where I did most of my heavy drinking and liver damage.

The problem with being drunk in college…is that…well…

THINGS happen to you.

Bad things.

Bad, bad things.

You may have already read about my potentially gay experience

…but WAIT!!…

…there’s more…

I used to stay up in my friend Spike’s room at college. Usually, this was on Thursday nights – a.k.a, college party night.

As Spike recently reminded me, a string of these Thursdays in a row were not so kind to me.

Keep in mind, that I pretty much have ABSOLUTELY NO recollection of these things…

…other than the fallout the next day.


Here we go….

Story #1: Pee Pee Pants

I actually had to ask Spike to recall this story to me…as I really don’t remember much of it.

So…assuming Spike’s identity…I’ve taken his account and switched it to my point of view…

Let’s begin…

Thursday night.

Party night.

One of these nights, I had been hitting on a girl that had drunk enough booze to sufficiently render Lindsay Lohan incapacitated.

That’s a LOT of booze.

When you’re 5’2” tall and among a sea of taller, better looking college guys…this is your motis operandi:

Go for the drunk chicks.


Unfortunately, I was drunk, too.

Really drunk.

3/4 of the way down the home stretch, in a dorm room full of people…

…the two of us passed out together on a bed.

*INDUCE BLACKOUT HERE*


I awoke a while later…to laughter.

“..wha..huh..?”

Everyone in the room was laughing.

Did someone tell a joke?

Did someone do something funny?

Actually, yeah…someone did do something funny.

The girl lying next to me had peed in her pants.

You see…in and of itself, this is funny.


I would have laughed, too.

But…

You see…I felt warm.

“Warm? Why am I…warm?”

…warm and…wet.

Wet?

WET?!?

Yep…I was wet.

If you recall, I was passed out RIGHT THE F*CK NEXT to her…

…thus, inheriting a majority of this pee onto and through my pants via the miracle of osmosis.

So…she peed on me.

OH. MY. GOD.

A GIRL HAS PEED ON ME.

WHAT. THE. F*CK?!?!?


I frantically attempt to wake this girl up.

Completely and utterly hammered, she wakes up.

We look like “The Incontinence Twins.”

(note to self: “The Incontinence Twins” would be a great name for a rock band)

With the prospect of having sex now in the back of my head (and getting clean pants on in the FRONT of my head), my chivalrous nature kicks in…

…I decide to call this girl a cab.

…and maybe put her in a f*cking diaper.

As we start walking down the hall…she announces to me that SHE HAS TO PEE.

REALLY?!? AGAIN?!?

YOU JUST WENT!!

Do you know how I know? Do ya?

Because I’m WEARING IT you stupid bitch.

F*CK!


Quickly, I rush her to the men’s bathroom on the second floor…deftly put her into a stall, and wait.

…and wait…

…and wait…

WTF?!?

I hear…NO PEE.

Nothing. Not a drop.

Me: “Um…hello?”

*cricket*

Me: “Hey….Are you done?”

*cricket*

This. Night. Sucks.

I pop open the stall door.

Sonofabitch.

She’s passed out on the shitter…pants around her ankles.

OH, COME ON!!!!


Now…I’m MAD.

I’m losing my buzz AND my pants are covered in urine AND I now have to deal with passed-out piss girl.

This isn’t going exactly as I had planned.

Fine. Let’s get her in that cab and get her the f*ck out of here.

I grab her and attempt to dress her (I’m sure at some point I took a peek…but I have no recollection here)

..as she stands…it happens…

…my socks feel warm.

“My SOCKS feel warm?!”

SONOFABITCH.

They’re warm because THEY’RE WET.

She pee’d on me again.

AGAIN.

She was sitting on that toilet for 10 f*cking minutes and she couldn’t go THEN?!?

MOTHERF*CKER!!!!


…what happened next?

Well, here’s Spike’s ACTUAL recollection (via email – THANKS, buddy!!) of what happened next:

“You fixed her pants, dragged her downstairs, and got her in a cab.

Joe (my other friend) and I, studying in my room, are alerted by someone else that you were on the front grass “freaking out”.

We opened the window and looked out.

There you were, angrily pulling your socks off and hurling them into the grass as far as you could throw them.

We yelled to you to ask what was up, but your reply was mumbled grunts…and your facial expression was one that you didn’t recognize any of us.

That was you on that night, my friend.”

Nice.

Worst. Party. Ever.

I was pee’d on twice in one night, by a girl too drunk to remember.

…and I lost a pair of perfectly good socks.

I miss college.

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