Dear Moog: Rubbing You the Wrong Way

Posted: September 11, 2008 in Dear Moog

Before I start today, let me preface this by saying:

There’s NOTHING funny about September 11th.


I’m here, though, to lighten your mood…so you get a “Dear Moog” letter today.

Just don’t ever forget this date. Ever.

With that being said…

Here we go, onward:


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where the answers are about as useful as Bea Arthur’s makeup.

So, yeah…

Not so much.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
Today’s letter comes from

Dear Moog,

I’m old. How can I avoid skin tears when pleasuring myself? I thought the hair on my palms would help, but it doesn’t.



First off:

What. The. F*ck.

I have to commend you for coming up with a website that rivals the weirdness of one of my favorites:

Dogs with Cones.

Here’s what you see when you get to

The only thing that’s weirder here…

…is that DogsWithCones also has a sister site:

I’m not kidding.


Here’s some stuff from


They’re holding vacuum cleaners and computers and shit.


Not what I wanted to see.

Onto your question….

How can you avoid skin tears when pleasuring yourself?

Do what I do:

Don’t pleasure yourself.


If I didn’t pleasure myself, I’d have 3 hours a day in which I’d have to find something else to do.

Like read…

…contribute to society…

…or play with my kids.

Who needs that shit?

Regardless…I’m assuming you’re a man for two reasons:

1) You have hair on your palms
2) You have the ability to see the need for a website showing Asian women holding shit.

Given that, let me give you this advice:

1) Masturbate in the shower

Sure, you’ll need to keep a plunger or bag of cotton swabs handy to continually clear out the drain…

…but the soap will lube you right up.

PLUS, the painful, horrible, burning and stinging you feel when you breach the surface will tell you exactly when to stop.

No pain?

Keep on a-whackin’!

Feel like you’re dragging your penis across gravel?

Slow down dude, you’re about to rip your dink off.

Just remember to wash your face FIRST.

2) Ease the f*ck up, man.


…unless you look in the mirror and see G.I. Joe every morning, relax that f*cking Kung-Fu grip of yours.

It’s masturbation…

…not a game of Tug-O-War.

Lighten up on your Mr. Wiggly. He’ll thank you for it.

FYI – spitting is his way of saying “thanks.”

3) Get an Asian chick to do it.

You have the site, bud…you’re halfway there.

Good luck with that.

There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.

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