Dear Moog: My Boyfriend Smokes Sausage

Posted: August 18, 2008 in Dear Moog

It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where the answers are about as useful as Bea Arthur’s makeup.

So, yeah…

Not so much.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
Today’s letter comes from Suzi.

Hi Moog,

I heard you give great advice, and I need advice.

My live-in Boyfriend isn’t giving it up.

I have tried everything from making sexy phone calls on his cell phone while he is on his way home, to being completely naked and ready on the bed or the couch or the kitchen counter when he gets home.

What should I do?


Dear Suzi,

First off, I’d like to thank you for FINALLY answering my fan mail.

I loved you on Happy Days. I thought you were WAY hotter than your sister, Pinky. Did you ever hit that? Nevermind…forget I said that…that was rude.


Prior to answering you, I’m going to suggest you get a hearing aid.

Seriously – if you heard someone tell you that I give great advice, then you have some serious issues with your ears.

Are they undersized?

Is there some type of fluid clogged inside them?

Well…I guess the answer to the latter is “no,” based on your letter.

Clean them ears out, honey. This AIN’T the place for great advice.

If you need something small to get in there and scrape them out, let me know.

I have just the thing.

(I bought extra Q-Tips at Valu-Mart…why…what were you thinking?)

Okay, let’s take a look at your letter.

So, you’re saying that you WANT to have sex, but your boyfriend DOESN’T?

Three words for you:

1) Smell
2) His
3) Dick

All men want sex all the time.

Even when “Aunt Flo” is visiting, a man wants to get all up in it.

This is why God invented Saran Wrap and terrycloth towels.

But I digress.

Smelling your man’s wiggly will tell you two things:

1) He’s banging someone else


2) The someone else he’s banging is a guy

So the next time you’re sprawled out on your Formica countertop and your man just gives you the “Oh…honey…I’m tired” bullshit…

…smell his dick.

If it smells like lavender, he’s having an affair with another woman and has used her “Lavender Scented 24-Hour Stress Reducing Body Wash” to try get the smell of Mrs. Clammy off his johnson.

You know this, because your wash SMELLS LIKE APRICOT!! YOU BASTARD!! I’LL KILL YOU!!!


If Mr. Wiggly smells like your finger does when you pull it out of your bellybutton after rummaging around in there for five minutes (hey, look…I found a Fruity Pebble!), he’s going 5-hole on some hairy bastard.


Your man eats his corn the long way, honey.


All guys want sex all the time.

Unless they’re full of it.

Just like the hairy bastard’s colon your boyfriend is banging.

Full of it.

There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.


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