The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Hobos

Posted: July 29, 2008 in I'm an asshole, mental poo looza, vacation


Like a bad case of genital warts…

I’M BAAAAAAACK.

Just, please – STOP putting ointment on me.

It’s a f*cking analogy people.

Thanks in advance.


So, the wife and I returned from Seattle on Saturday night.

Honestly, I’m in no rush to go back anytime soon.

Why?

Seattle is full of the following things:

1) Hills
2) Asians
3) Homeless
4) Coffee that tastes like the expulsion from a colon cleansing

Interestingly, I saw NO Asian homeless people on hills drinking ass-coffee.

Peculiar.


Today, we’ll talk about the hills.

I had NO idea that Seattle had hills.

Everything I heard about Seattle only mentioned the rain, Kurt Cobain or Frasier.

Not a blip about hills.

So, the wife and I walk down to Pike Place Market on our first night.

Wife: “Neat! They’re throwing fish!”

Me: “How exciting! They’re throwing fish!”

Wife: “Do you want to stand here and keep watching them throw fish?”

Me: “Apparently, it’s all you do here. Let’s go back to the hotel and talk about them throwing fish!”


So, we started walking back to the hotel to discuss our fish adventure.

(5 minutes later)

Me: “HOLY F*CKING SHIT!! WHAT’S UP WITH THESE F*CKING HILLS?!?”

Wife (who is in much better shape than me): “Yeah – they are pretty steep. If you swing your arms, you get a better workout.”

Me: “I CAN’T FEEL MY FEET!! Wait…I SEE A BRIGHT LIGHT!! I BELIEVE I’M DYING!…Grandpa…?”

Wife: “Yeah…renting bikes with you will be fun.”

At this point I would have said something back at her, but I was in the middle of a major coronary.


The hills in Seattle are f*cking INSANE.

When you’re not being begged for money by Homeless Disabled Veterans (I think they have a contract with FedEx Kinko’s to get these signs pre-printed), all you can hear are car tires chirping.

The reason for this is because – as I found out – cars tend to roll backwards when pointed directly at the goddamn sky.


As such, you need to maintain a 15 car-length space between you and the car in front of you at stoplights.

This sucks for drivers…

…but is good for the homeless people who need to cross the street.

Well…at least the non-disabled ones.

The others are just f*cked and have to sit there and risk rolling down the sidewalk and plopping into the harbor below.

On a side note, “The Rolling Homeless” would be a great name for a rock band.

Just saying.

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