Arses: The Other White Meat

Posted: July 16, 2008 in Dear Moog

It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where, they say, “the pen is mightier than the sword.”

Unless you’re John Holmes

…I’m pretty sure his sword could have killed small elephants.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.

Today’s letter comes from Kath.

Kath writes:

Dear Moog,

Here is a question that has been bothering me for ages.

Why do old ladies in shops always poke me in the arse with umbrellas?

Is it some sort of signal among themselves? How can I stop this disturbing event from happening?

Thanks in advance for the crappy advice!


P.S. I say arse cos I’m English. I can’t help it.

Dear Kath,

Wow. You’ve brought me back.

The first time I ever saw the word, “arse” was in the words for the song “Balls to the Wall” by a band German metal band named “Accept.”


If you want to get all German rocked out with their 3’6″ tall lead singer, Udo Dirkschneider

(JESUS…talk about your catchy Rock-N-Roll names…LOOK OUT, ELVIS!!) HERE.

If you come back and you don’t want tear a f*cking puppy apart with your toes, then you missed the point.

I believe, Kath, deep down in these puppy-mangling, German schnitzle-eating lyrics…

…lies your answer.

Let’s take a look:

Come on man, lets stand up all over the world
Lets plug a bomb in everyone’s arse
If they dont keep us alive – were gonna fight for the right

Pure. Poetry.

Udo wants to stand up…ALL OVER THE WORLD

And – do what?

Hold hands for peace?

Sing “We are the World?”


Udo wants to plug a bomb in everyone’s f*cking cornhole.


Why? Who cares. It’s metal.

Just roll with it and blow up someone’s hoop, would ya?

So, Kath – there’s your answer.

These old women aren’t sticking umbrellas in your arse to annoy you.

They are simply following Udo’s divine will but – apparently – lack the appropriate access to high-powered explosives.

Humor them.

When they poke you, just stop and yell:


Then turn around, give a sly wink…the ‘shocker‘ symbol…

…and show them your Udo Dirkschneider Fan Club Membership pin.

If you don’t have one, let me know…and I’ll ask Udo personally to get you one.

We’re co-starring in the same midget porno next week:

“Balls to the Wall, 2”


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don’t forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.


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