Dear Moog: The Double-Decker

Posted: July 8, 2008 in Dear Moog


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

That’s right…

SUCK IT, ABBY!!

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

Today, we have two (count ’em, TWO) letters!

The first letter is from “GJ” and he writes:

Dear Moog,

What is your policy on shitting at work?

-GJ

*****************

Dear GJ,

Apparently, you’re new here.

If you’d been here all along, you’d know that I’m a staunch supporter of the working poo (WP).


I find no better pleasure than to come into work, and squashing out a Pepperidge Farm Holiday Log while simultaneously being paid for it.

For more information on my stance on the WP, you can check out PBS.org and search for “Moog Shit” or simply click on one of the following links:

1) Moog’s Rules on Bathroom Cleanliness

2) BWB

3) EPOOBS

Huh. I guess “Mental Poo” was pretty fitting.
*************************

Letter #2 comes from Gooch:

Dear Moog,

How would you deal with being forced into public with your FIL’s girlfriend who looks and acts like a troll? It’s usually for a dinner out. Ever see a troll eat? It is NOT pleasant.

I try to be out of town when they show up. Or fake a brain tumor.

(Picture attached for visual reference. Consider yourself warned.)

Regards,
Gooch

*****************

Dear Gooch,

First off, what the F*ck is a gooch? Is it another name for taint?

“Man..I’ve been horseriding all day and my gooch is f*cking killing me!”

Nevermind. Not important.


I regretfully decline to answer this question as my Father-in-Law is married and – therefore – exposing the fact that he has a girlfriend may get me into trouble.

Um..

..oops.

But let me see if I can come up with something. Maybe if I take a look at the picture you attached, I can get my creative juices flowing.


AAARRRGHHHH!! MY EYES!!!

Holy shit. What the f*ck WAS that?

Listen honey, you’ve got worse things to worry about than dinner with this thing.

(what do you feed it…kibble?)

Obviously, your father-in-law is completely and utterly mentally incompetent.

As such, your best bet here is to frame your father-in-law for murder. Put this thing out of it’s misery, and lay all the blame on your demented FIL.


He’ll never be convicted and – worst case – is committed to an asylum where he may or may not be violated anally by male nurses while under the influence of mind-altering drugs.

Which is probably the same as what it’s like banging this friggin’ thing except – hey – free drugs!

Good luck.

*********************

There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don’t forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

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