The Pre-Yard Sale Abduction

Posted: July 3, 2008 in about me, rants

Before I start:

Two new reviews over on “Moog’s Movie Reviews:”

1) “Rambo”

2) “Wanted

3) “Wall-E”

As you were.

**********************

Crap for Sale:

If you wanted to sell your own shit, you probably could.

Let me explain.

Summer in New England means that three things start appearing:

1) Hot chicks in ass-floss

2) Disgusting chicks in ass-floss

3) Yard Sales

I was given the choice of doing one of the above last weekend.

Since I don’t look good in a thong (my hemorrhoids tend to poke out the sides), we decided to have a yard sale.


You know it’s time for a yard sale when you hear yourself say any of the following:

1) Hey..do they even SELL games for Atari anymore?

2) The heating guy charged us extra because he needed a sherpa to guide him to the furnace.

3)
We need money.

4) Do you think another guy would buy this thong?


After spending three hours crafting our signs, I headed out to go post them illegally without permits on telephone poles throughout the area.

As a side note, I’ve found that the best signs to cover over are the “Blind Drive” signs and the “Children at Play” ones.

Then…just sit back, and wait for the sirens.

Good times…good times.


At one point, I passed a girl about 14 years old walking on the side of the road. I was in my wife’s minivan loaded with markers, signs, and a staplegun.

I drove up past her and pulled over into the shoulder.

I needed to draw an arrow on the sign before I got out and posted it on the pole up ahead.

When I sat up from drawing the arrow, I looked in the rear view mirror.

The girl that was walking was stopped behind my car, staring at me.

She looked TERRIFED.

Great.

She thinks I’m going to kidnap her.

Guy in a van drives by…pulls over in front of her…then ducks low in the car out of her vision.

Smooooooooooooth.


So now I’m afraid to actually get out of the f*cking car because she’ll probably start screaming and shit…

…so I hold up the staple gun and marker so she can see them.

She starts backing away.

Then I realize that – oh – great…that looks just like a f*cking knife and some weird electro-gun or some bullshit.

This is going swimmingly.

I JUST WANT TO SELL MY “BLAIR WITCH PROJECT” VIDEO!!


Eventually, the girl just took off in the other direction.

I’m sure, somewhere, I was shown on the news in an “Attempted Abduction” story.

Luckily, I’m not taller than the seats, so I think she could only see my eyes.

And the knife/electro-gun thingy.

Awesome.


People will buy anything at a yard sale. Anything.

At one point, I sneezed into a tissue:

“HOW MUCH FOR THE BOOGERS?!?!”

Fine. It’s not like that.

And I wouldn’t sell my own boogers even if I could.

My collection would be in utter disarray with non-sequential numbered snot.

And I simply can’t have that.


We ended up making $500 at the yard sale.

Which we immediately used to buy more shit.

None of which was a knife or an electro-gun to abduct pre-pubescent teens.

That shit’s expensive.

************************
Happy Fourth of July to all my U.S readers!

Have a good weekend, to everyone else.

Moog out.

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