Dear Moog: Rocky Mountain High

Posted: June 30, 2008 in Dear Moog


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where you ask the questions…

…and I crack corn and just don’t care.

Just. Like. Jimmy.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

Our letter today comes from Zac. Zac writes:

Dear Moog,

I’ll take you up on your challenge….of sorts. I’m a regular reader and have never commented or emailed. I don’t think…

Anyway. I’m moving from super hot Las Vegas to Denver CO in a little over a week. The goal is to start over and build some sort of life for myself. Any advice for a nearly 30 y/o college drop out with no marketable skills?

From your very own ill minded Myndtrip……..

Zac
**********************


Dear Zac,

Wow.

LOOKOUT, LADIES!!

Woman #1: “30 years old?”

Woman #2: “No job?”

Woman #3: “College dropout with absolutely NO marketable skills?”

All together: “SOMEBODY PINCH ME!! I think I’ve found THE ONE!”

Good luck with that shit.


I only have a few suggestions for you:

1) Pack underwear

Colorado is typically a lot colder than Las Vegas (News Flash!)

In Vegas, I’m sure you had issues where your balls stuck to your legs on warm nights.

If they stuck to your legs on regular nights, that means that you simply need to bathe more often.

In Colorado, your balls may actually freeze there.

Blue balls has an ENTIRELY different meaning in Denver.


2) Bring your own smack

I don’t think the heroin market is as good in Denver as it is in Las Vegas.

I may be wrong, but I think that in Colorado you can basically get high by opening your front door which is, typically, at an elevation of 756,000 feet above sea level.


Remember, even Iron Man’s suit FROZE at this altitude.

So unless you’re Tony Stark…

…pack your own shit and chase the dragon behind closed doors.


3) Don’t ever be too proud to blow a guy for money

River Phoenix did it.

Keanu Reeves did it.

Granted, they both did it in a movie that probably grossed millions, but whatever.

Somewhere, some out of work actor is stocking shelves in Walmart saying:

“You know…I got fake-blown by River Phoenix when he was alive.”

Someday, Zac…that guy could be YOU!


With no marketable skills and no real shot at a broad that’s not homeless, this actually may be as good as it gets for you.

Take it and run with it.

Just remember to grab your underwear and smack as you walk out the door.

*****************

There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don’t forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

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