Swimming in Ass

Posted: June 27, 2008 in kids, rants, wife

Swimming in Ass.

No, no…

I’m not talking about the top four items on Hugh Hefner’s “Things I Need to Do Today” list…

(lucky bastard)

I’m talking about my swimming pool.


Now, for those of you who come here regularly, you know that I live in New England.

As such, summer in New England lasts approximately a week and a half.

If you take away the rainy days, this gives you about one or two days, tops, in which you can enjoy a swim in the pool.

It’s a great f*cking investment.

My wife wanted a pool when we bought the house, SO

…we got a pool.

As part of this fantastic deal, I get to perform endless hours of labor trying to maintain the f*cking thing for said two days of swimming enjoyment.

Hooray for me!

For those of you in warmer climates (pricks), winter here consists:

1) shitloads of snow and ice

2) women bundled up like sherpas summiting Mt. Everest

3) horrific accidents where cars simply slide off the roads into trees, killing all inside

Seriously, if it wasn’t for the uplifting levity of seeing #3, I don’t know how I’d survive commuting in the winter.

Luckily for me this winter, mypool cover managed to get a goddamn hole in it.

As such, all things that tend to gather ON a pool cover…

(leaves, pine cones, bugs, dead squirrels, homeless men, etc.)

…simply floated right on THROUGH it and nested in my pool water…

…where it all sat in a sick goopy stagnant stew for six months.

Until I uncovered it last weekend.

As I started yanking the cover off, the remaining sludge that had yet to drop through the cover simply plopped off and into the pool.

Oh. Joy.

Actually, I believe I saw something do a cannonball into the water..but I can’t be quite sure of it.


Kids: “Ewwwww!!”

Wife: “Oh…Well…THAT doesn’t look good!!”

Me: “What the…what is that….a leprechaun?!”

Nasty. Shit.

If you’ve ever had a bout of explosive diarrhea that simply WILL NOT END

…just take an image of what your toilet contents looked like in the aftermath…

…multiply that by 13,000…

…and dump it into my pool.

Absolutely F*cking Beautiful.

It’s like one gigantic four-foot high f*cking colostomy bag in my back yard.

I can’t wait to go swimming this summer!

I just hope it’s warm that day.

That. One. Day.


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