I Got a Rock

Posted: June 25, 2008 in kids


You know, teach…

…it’s not like I work in Kansas.

Let me explain.

At work the other day, I was over in my buddy Bill’s cube and looked up at his shelf.

There, proudly displayed, was a tiny easel and a hand painted canvas about 2 inches square.

A little colorful landscape of flowers, birds and rainbows adorned it.


I respectfully inquired what it was that was on his shelf:

Me: “What the fuck is that? You turn gay and start painting shit with your toes?”

Bill: “That’s my Father’s Day present.”

Aaah.

His kids got all artsy craftsy at school.

Nice.

So…now you’re wondering….what did I get?

What artsy craftsy item did the teacher’s at my son’s school have him create for me?

Well…

I got a rock.

Literally.

My son, in his preschool class, made the dads rocks.

Sorry..sorry…

PAPERWEIGHTS.


Now, I’m NOT saying that I don’t love it. I DO.

It says “#1 Dad” on the top and “Love, Cam” underneath.

It’s awesome. He did a great job.

It’s also painted a lovely shade of crimson that may or not be paint but, rather, blood from one of his classmates.

Teacher: “Has anyone seen Billy?”


I DO, however, question the teachers:

1) This is the best you can do for a present for me? A fucking ROCK?!

I tried giving my wife a rock once for Mother’s Day…

(actually, it was a “Pancake Puff” pan but might as well have been a fucking rock given the reception it received upon it’s unwrapping)

…and am still getting shit for it.


2) Where do you think I work where I actually need a rock the size of a grapefruit in order to keep my papers from flying away?

I mean, it’s not like I work out in the middle of a fucking cornfield in Nebraska and have piles and piles of paper sitting around me just waiting for the next Category 5 twister to come along and whip them away.

Wife: “COME ON!! IT’S COMING!! WE HAVE TO GET TO SHELTER!!!”

Me: “DON’T WORRY!! WE’LL BE FINE IF WE CAN JUST HOLD ONTO THIS ROCK I GOT FOR FATHER’S DAY!!”


I work in a goddamn cubicle.

Not so windy there, teach.

Come to think of it, this rock would look great sitting in the middle of her friggin’ windshield.

Hell…

I might even paint it for her.

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