Dear Moog: The Crappy Stigma of EPOOBS

Posted: June 11, 2008 in Dear Moog

NOTE:
Due to popular demand, “Dear Moog” will run TWICE this week.

Sucks to be you.
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It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where you can tell I’m not “Dear Abby” in a couple of ways:

1) My advice is fairly useless
2) I’m not dead

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Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
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Today’s entry comes from the Blonde Goddess.

Dear Moog,

Why do men have to poop on their own toilets?

I know some men can poop anywhere, but the majority will hold it until they get home..flying in the door like their dick hair is on fire…hitting the can like a sh*t grenade…

I’ve always wondered but never felt like I could ask and get an answer…until I met you.

Please enlighten the Blonde Goddess…thanks!


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Dear Blonde,

Who the F*CK are you talking about?!?

I don’t know a single guy anywhere who MUST poop on his own toilet at his own house.

Not one.

Personally, I could poop in my coffee cup while sitting in the middle of my cubicle if I knew that I could clean it out and get more coffee.


But hold my loaf for 8 hours until I got home? Christ…where’s the fun in that?!

At work, it’s like being paid to crap!! Doing two of my favorite things in one fun-filled hour!


Anyway…

If you know a guy who HAS to poop at home, he’s hiding one of two things:

1) He has a vagina

2) He wears a colostomy bag

In a twisted combination of the two, he may also be pooing out his vagina.


If you know FOR SURE that neither of the above is true, then there’s a third…more hideous…explanation:

3) They have Erotic Poo-Boner Syndrome

Erotic Poo-Boner Syndrome (known in most medical circles as EPOOBS) affects 1 in 120,000 men.

I made this number up.

The actual odds of having EPOOBS are higher in third world countries…or any place that has high odds of taking a photo of a child with flies on his face (seriously…camera-guy…give the kid a f*cking sandwich).

Interestingly, there are no cases of EPOOBS in Iran…according to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

I heard this from a gay Iranian.


Also…

Please do not confuse Erotic Poo-Boner Syndrome (EPOOBS) with Erotic Pee-Boner Syndrome (EPEEBS), which affects 1 in 1 men…and, pretty much on a daily basis.

EPEEBS happens when a guy really has to piss at 4 in the morning…

…but can’t because he now has a giant stiffy directly resulting from the 17 Red Bull and Vodkas he had the night before.


You know…you’d think urine just stays in the kidneys…

…but with EPEEBS it apparently migrates to the penis and fills it up like a giant water balloon.

Me: “Kids!! Stop playing with it!! It’s not a toy!!”

Sorry…sorry…

With EPEEBS, the man then has to – um – “get rid of” his pee-boner, or else risk the chance of peeing on his own face, chest or – in some cases – the bathroom wall and ceiling.

In some extreme cases, the man doesn’t even have time to dress his hands up in fashionable Barbie outfits…or put a face drawn with lipstick on his hand to help out.

Yes…it’s THAT serious.


Anyway…

A man affected with EPOOBS cannot, typically, poo in a public restroom.

This is because the idea of dropping dookie actually gets the guy SO HOT AND BOTHERED, that he ends up jerking his gherkin while he’s simultaneously squashing out his Yule Log.

In a public restroom, this would result in a severe beating once the guy got out of the stall.

In some extreme cases of EPOOBS, this can lead to death (typically at the hands of drunk homophobes armed with gobs of soaked toilet paper), dismemberment, or a blowjob by Senator Larry Craig or Wham!’s frontman, George Michael.


There you go go.

You can find more information on EPOOBS and EPEEBS on WebMd.

If you don’t find it there…just add it to Wikipedia.

Make sure you give me credit.

Thanks in advance.


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There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don’t forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

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