Dear Moog: Bad Advice Wanted

Posted: May 30, 2008 in Dear Moog

It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where I take as much time carefully crafting my responses to your letters…

…as I do in delicately painting my penis to look like a lighthouse when I’m taking a bath.


I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.

Our letter today comes from Malicious Intently:

Dear Moog,

I really want some bad advice, and I know you can provide it. But to be honest, I am not really sure what kind of bad advice I should be asking for.

I mean there are just SO many directions I/You can go. I am really lost here and need your help.

I am a Libra, we are horrible decision makers.

Can you give me any advice on asking for bad advice? Or just some totally awesome ass sucking advice?

Much love and loathing…


Dear MI:

Well, baby…you’ve come to the right place.

My middle name is “Bad Advice.”

Actually…my middle name is “Joseph”.

Let’s take a moment to dissect that…

I found this site to help me:

The boy’s name Joseph \j(o)-se-ph\ is pronounced JOH-sef. It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is “Jehovah increases”.

THANK CHRIST that last word is “increases” and not “witnesses.”

Otherwise, right now I’d be banging on doors wearing a wool suit in 90 degree f*cking heat…

…getting threatened with knives by crazy men wearing only flip-flops and a sombrero.


Is it only me that does that?


I hope that answers your question.

Oh yeah…where to get bad advice.

Well, MI…it depends on the TYPE of advice you’re looking for.

To get the best bad advice for a specific topic, you just need to know where to look.

Advice on Sobriety:
1) Lindsay Lohan
2) Tequila Mockingbird
3) Anna Nicole Smith*
4) A threesome involving all of the above*

*pre-death Anna Nicole Smith

Advice on Parenting:
1) Britney Spears
2) Britney Spears’ mom
3) In a few months, Jamie Lynn Spears
4) A threesome involving all of the above

Advice on Sex

1) Me

Advice on Fashion
1) Bjork
2) Al Qaeda
3) Barry

Advice on Health and Fitness
1) John Goodman
2) Any woman with back-fat
3) Chris Farley*

*pre-death Chris Farley

I think that covers it, MI.

Hopefully, you have a few places now that you can go for Bad Advice.

If you don’t like the answer, I have another place you can go.


And…you’re welcome.


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don’t forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.


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