Where I put as much thought and effort into crafting the perfect answer…
…as Paris Hilton does in securing her reputation as a wholesome, shining example of intelligence and humility.
…not so much.
You’ve been warned.
Our letter today comes from Anonymous Idiot.
What the hell is it with all of the European dudes looking like the queer eye guys? Plus they carry man-purses. Please help an idiotic American understand. Also, can you tell me why the meaning of life is 42?
A confused but Anonymous Idiot
First off, thanks for writing.
I haven’t had any really good questions for weeks…
…and based on your letter it appears that this streak is going to continue.
I have to tell you I’m a little perplexed, as I’ve never seen this “Queer Eye” show that you speak of.
As such, I can’t tell you why all the European guys resemble Ted Allen, Kyan Douglas, Thom Filicia, Carson Kressley or Jai Rodriguez.
Or…as that wacky Carson would say:
“Well shove that balled-up fist in my ass and call me Sally!”
Okay. Maybe he doesn’t say that.
I hadn’t noticed that European guys looked like flamboyantly gay men.
Frankly, if I see anyone vaguely resembling a gay man (read: SUPER HOT), I usually avert my stare, run away, and then spit loogies while grabbing my balls.
Then I try to have sex with women.
You know…reaffirm my manhood.
I’m really tolerant like that.
Lots of fun.
I highly recommend it.
Question 2: “Also, can you tell me why the meaning of life is 42?”
I thought you actually made this one up.
Until I Googled it.
Because I found this:
Apparently, this is pulled from some book I’ve never read (I only read books with pictures).
As such, there was too much text even in this definition to bother with.
Honestly….I’m lucky I finished reading the f*cking title.
Most of my work in finding this answer is already done for me…
..by Rolling Rock beer.
They, of course, have whittled down the mystery of the universe to the number “33.”
(I’ll do this longhand so you can follow along)
…forgot to carry the 1.
The answer is 9!!
As we all very well know, when you say “9,” you’re essentially saying “No” in German.
Nine = Nein = No
The answer to “Life, the Universe, and Everything else” is:
Women have known this forever.
You should have just asked one of them.
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!
I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.
Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?
You’ve come to the right place.
Drop me a line.
And don’t forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.