Dear Moog, The "Blue Balls" edition.

Posted: May 16, 2008 in Dear Moog

It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where I answer your questions as honestly as I can.

Just like I do when strippers ask me what I do for a living.

Seriously, Cinnamon…

I AM a Plastic Surgeon during the day…

…and I save Harp Seals from slaughter at night.

It’s in my nature to be both smart AND helpful.



I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.

Our first letter comes from Catscratch Diva.

Dear Moooooooooooooog,

Since women don’t have balls, I am wondering what the female equivalent to BLUE BALLS might be. Any insight?

With many thanks in advance,

Catscratch Diva


Dear Catscratch,

This is an excellent question.

I had no idea that sexual deprivation was actually possible for women…

…since they pretty much hold the cards (when I say “cards” I mean “vagina”) and can literally walk onto any street corner and get it whenever they want.

I know this because I’m usually at those same street corners paying for it.

But I digress…

I can hereby offer the following terms for women who have that “Blue Ball Feeling” (Trademark Pending).

(also, a special shout-out here to Crayola for providing input)

Here we go:


1) Aquamarine Areola

2) Violet Vagina

(um…this can also be a sign of overuse)

3) Turquoise Taint

4) Lavender Labia

5) Copper Clitoris

6) Raw Umber Uterus

There you go.

You’re welcome.

On a side note, if any of you ladies out there actually HAVE lady parts that ARE these colors, please go to immediately…

…as you’re probably dying…

…or at least contagious.

Also, call the last guy you banged.

He really should know the true reason why he currently has a Periwinkle Penis.


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don’t forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.


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