Now with Only Half the Commandments of Christianity!

Posted: February 11, 2008 in meme, religion

Now…if I could only find some stone tablets.

…give me a minute and I’ll explain…

But FIRST:

Angryman was nice enough to offer me the very prestigious “WTF” award:


The description:

“This blog makes me think about sh*t”

In my case, there is a literal connotation to this sentence. As sh*t is pretty much all I write about.

Thanks Angryman, much appreciated.

Go check him out…maybe you can make him think about some more sh*t.


OKAY…On to my “Stone Tablet” comment…

I was thinking about religion the other day (I had stubbed my toe and yelled “JESUS CHRIST!”), and thought it would be fun to come up with the following:

If you were God, and could come up with Ten Commandments to impose your will on people…

…oops…sorry…

“for other people to live by”

…what would they be?

I figured I’d give it a shot.

However, because I don’t really want to piss off the “Big Guy” (George Stephanopoulos), I’m just going to do 5.

Remember…I’m God in this…I can do whatever the Hell I want.

However, I’m also doing another 5 from my wife’s point of view tomorrow …so..(calculator out), you get 13 in all.

Ladies and Gentlemen…BEHOLD:


The Five Commandments of Moog:


Commandment #1:

Thou shall chew with your f*cking mouth closed.

Seriously, asshole.

What the f*ck?!

Is is really SO HARD to keep your goddamn mouth closed when you chew?


Listening to you chew sounds like Oprah jogging without a bra.

*smack slop splat smack*

I want to shove a rolled up magazine down your f*cking throat.

Oh..and by the way…

You don’t get points for chewing food with your mouth closed if you can’t bring that same talent to GUM.

I really hope you swallow that gum and get worms.

Seriously…keep your f*cking mouth closed you goddamn pig.
Commandment #2:

Thou shall not drive in the f*cking passing lane if YOU’RE NOT PASSING ANYONE YOU STUPID, STUPID IGNORANT F*CKSHIT

I think that one is self-explanatory.

See that car in front of you?

Oh…you see nothing? Really?

Me either.

GET THE F*CK OUT OF THE WAY!!!!

Thank you.


Commandment #3:

Thou shall stop sending me pictures of your kids at Christmas

Sure…it may have been cute when they were younger.

But now they’re in their 20’s.

Cut the sh*t.

I don’t care what your kids look like.


I’m guilty of this, too…but only because my wife makes us do it.

She even made us all dress up in matching outfits one year for these pictures.

We looked like the f*cking Osmonds.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.



Commandment #4:

Thou shalt charge less for Pay-per-view porn

This one is for the exec’s at Comcast cable.

Seriously? $14 for a crappy porn movie?

I could make my own for less money.

…of course, it would star two fish and a dog, but whatever.


Commandment #5:

Thou shall speak English to me

I don’t mean “broken” English.

I mean “English English.”

..and since I’m making up these rules…

…why don’t you try to get rid of that damn accent while you’re at it.

I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU.


I realize you live in China…or you used to…or whatever…I honestly don’t care what your f*cking story is.

In fact, I DON’T KNOW what your f*cking story is BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.

It’s “YES,” not “JESS.”

It’s “Vibrate,” not “Wibrate.”

I remember going out to lunch one day at a Chinese restaurant, and the waiter came by to see if we were done.

Except, his accent was SO THICK, that it came out like this:

“Ayoodung?”

My buddy, Jim, thought he said, “How are you doing?”

So…it looked like this where I was sitting:

Waiter (to Jim):
“Are you done?”

*pause*

Jim’s reply: “Good.”

The waiter…obviously confused at what just happened…simply walked away.


Accents suck.

Hey…they’re my rules.

I can make them whatever I want.

I need to make these permanent.

Anyone got a chisel?

******
If you’re interested in doing this, have at it.

I don’t tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have “a list.”

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It’s the nice thing to do.

Enjoy.

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