The Whitest Teeth I Ever Came Across were Fighting Foo

Posted: February 4, 2008 in awards, kids, kids are fun to lie to, parenting

Just a few of things today:

Special Guest: Midgetmanofsteel!

So last week, Cookiebitch asked me to do a guest spot on her blog.

As such, I showed up at her blog with a dozen white roses, wearing a newly tailored suit, with an armful of baby jaguars and terrapins…

…because, as you know, the funniest guest hosts let small, wild jungle animals attack people.


She wasn’t there.

Bitch.

(I’m SO letting these f*cking animals run around her blog sh*tting everywhere)

Instead, I left a post about some asshole in our office who clogged the men’s room toilet with a gigantic bowel movement.

Cute animals…

…pipe-choking turds…

Po-tA-to, Po-tah-to.

If you want to read the post, you can find it here:

“An Open Letter to TC”

If not, ..at least drop by Cookiebitch’s site and give the baby jaguar some kibble.

Acknowledging My Broken Nutsack:

Malicious Intently has bestowed upon me the following:


I’m not so much sure if this is an award…

…or more of a validation of my sterility.

Um…thanks?

You will notice in the picture, though, that my wiggly has wonderfully white teeth.

I think he uses Crest Whitestrips.

…which also explains the sticky film-crap all over the inside of my underwear.

…wait…

…maybe that’s not teeth whitener.



Fighting Foo:

I’ve been listening to “The Foo Fighters” latest CD lately in my car.

My son, who is four, is addicted to the song, The Pretender.

(he rides in the car with me often, and insists on listening to this song in a continuous loop….like he has “Foo Fighter ADD”)

We also watched the video on our cable’s “On Demand” feature…

…which shows, at the end, the Foo Fighters being bombarded by riot police.

I have no idea why they’re being accosted by riot police.


I’ve long since given up trying to decipher music videos ever since I saw Metallica’s “Unforgiven” while high on crystal meth, Spicy Nacho Doritos and a six-pack of Red Bull.

DAMN YOU, FROGS!!…GET OFF OF ME!!…AND TAKE DAVID BOWIE WITH YOU!!!

..sorry…sorry…

…that was a trying time in my life.


Anyway…

This morning, I drove him to preschool.

As usual, he insisted on listening to “The Pretender” over and over again.

During the song, he piped up:

Son: “Daddy…can we go see the Foo Fighters?”

Me: “You want to see them? Um…sure….”

(he knows one song)

Son: “I can’t WAIT to see them get smushed by the policemen.”

..ah…the video

Me: “Um….well…that’s just a video and…”

Son: “Are they real?”

*blink*

Me: “Wha?…Is who real?”

Son: “The Foo Fighters…are they real?

*blink blink*

(sometimes, you want to be allowed to punch your children)


Me: “Are they real? Well…uh…yeah…of course they’re real.”

Then…this:

Son: “Do they REALLY fight foo?”

Do they really fight foo.

Good question.

Me: “Well…I guess so.”

To be honest, I have no idea if they fight foo or not.

They COULD fight foo.

They probably DO fight foo.

Hell, I’D fight foo if I could.


Apparently…there’s good money in Fighting Foo.

PLUS you get to date Christina Aguilera…

AND get your penis teeth whitened by trained professionals.

…which would be good for me…

These goddamn strips make too much of a mess.

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