Increase Your Gas Mileage: STAY THE F*CK HOME

Posted: February 1, 2008 in environment, rants


A cannon would solve my problem.

I’m sure of it.

But let’s back up…

In my previous “F*CK THE ENVIRONMENT” post, I went off on:

1) Recycling

2) My inability to give a rat’s ass about the environment if cleaning out a container took longer than the time it took me to empty it

3) I discussed how I’m helping to save the ozone, by trapping my farts in my car’s seat cushion.

4) I mentioned the option of eating manatees

Mmmm…manatees.

Cut to the “Emeril, Live” broadcast:

Emeril: “I don’t know where you get your manatees from, but where I get my manatees, they don’t come seasoned.”

(At this point, f*cked up studio audience members that clap crazily when this jackass simply just puts salt on sh*t..

(“Ooohhh..he’s using paprika! Hooray!! Hooray!!”)

…start clapping at this, too).

Idiots.

Emeril: “BAM!!”

(Emeril gives a manatee sandwich to Doc Gibbs)


Dammit…I’ve gone off topic again…

I’m back.

Today…we talk about hybrids.

Hybrids.

No, no…I’m not talking about children born in Kentucky.


I’m talking about the cars.

Hybrid cars.

Cars that people spend extra money on in order to save a handful of change a week in gas.

Stupid Environment F*ckSh*t:
“I bought a Prius that will save me 3 gallons of gas a week!”

Me: “Good for you. Nice sweater vest by the way, loser.”

SEF: “That’s $9 extra a week in my pocket!”

Me: “Wow..almost enough for another pair of boat shoes. How much did you pay for the car?”

SEF: “I paid ONLY $5000 OVER sticker…you know…because they’re in such demand.”

Me: “Yeah…that extra 5 grand you paid NOW will recoup you a lot of money in 6 years you f*cking dolt.”

SEF (doing math in head): “I’m a stupid f*cksh*t.”

Me: “I know you are. Here…have a manatee sandwich.”


I’m not particularly worried about the Prius owners’ finances…

Herein lies my problem with this stupid prick:

I happen to be on the highway RIGHT BEHIND “Mr. Prius Owner”…

…who has now decided that, while driving in front of me…

…in the F*CKING PASSING LANE

he will try to maximize his mileage-per-gallon ratio.

(for those of you on the “metric system”, I’ve come up with an easy conversion tool for you to convert gallons to liters and miles to kilometers):

SPECIAL “MENTAL POO” CUT AND SAVE SECTION!

*************** ( cut here ) ***************

Gallons to Liters easy conversion:

1 Gallon = Who gives a f*ck # of liters

Miles to Kilometer easy conversion:

1 Mile = Seriously, I don’t give a sh*t about the metric system

*************** ( cut here ) ***************

You’re welcome.


Anyway…

So here’s our hybrid owner…

squeezing out every penny of his investment….

How high can he get his mileage?

Well…

…what better time to find out then when he’s in front of me on the highway, right?

Of course.

Because this is how my luck goes.

So, he tries to get the best mileage by coasting

…or he’s doing the “heel/toe” thing like he has an egg behind his gas pedal…

In the GODDAMN PASSING LANE.

Not passing a single f*cking soul.

Going 65 mph….and slowing…..

…slowing…

Oblivious Pompous Prius Owner:
“Ooooooh, I’m getting 45 mpg now!”

(A manatee slowly swims by)


I wish I had a hood mounted cannon on my Hummer H3 (with optional off-road package that not only makes it a much heavier gas-guzzler, but also serves no useful purpose as I never actually venture off of pavement).

Hey…it’s all about the bling.

Me: “What the…!?”

…this prick is still slowing down

With my cannon, I’d shoot this sonafabitch straight out…

…sending daisies, granola and (for some reason) anal beads flying into the atmosphere…

(this would further raise the greenhouse effect…essentially rubbing out another harp seal…it’s a win-win)

DRIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!


Seriously…dude…

…Just drive your f*cking car.

Just drive it.

If you get better gas mileage, great.

If you don’t, I DON’T CARE – JUST DRIVE YOUR F*CKING CAR!!!!!

As one of my friends, Mike, eloquently put it:

“I’m all for the environment conservation thing but not at the cost of me not being able to go at least 70mph…while the distance in front of said Prius to the next car is lengthening by the second”

…please note that Mike emailed me this from his car using his BlackBerry while he was on the highway behind said Prius.

Yeah…he’s one of THOSE guys.


What better way to bitch about someone else’s driving then to text someone else while you’re behind the wheel?

I wonder how many farts are trapped in HIS seat cushion.

Hey…we all have to do our part…

…it’s just that sometimes…

…you’d rather eat an endangered species.

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