A Gale Force Warning is Now in Effect

Posted: January 28, 2008 in vasectomy


Captain’s Log:

Literally.

This is about your captain’s log.

You see…

I heard back from my urologist on Wednesday.

After an uncomfortable surgery

…a week of ice on my sack…

(resulting in the disappearance of my testicles at least 5 times a day)

…25 “Mooge ejection” sessions, resulting in…

25 Three Musketeers bars consumed, resulting in…

…eight pounds gained…

…and TWO Mooge donations


…the verdict is FINALLY in:

The Bullets have Left the Chamber.

My Flying Elvis’ have Left the Airplane.


My Pool is Full of Dead Swimmers.


My CIA Intelligence is Less than Accurate.

My Little Saddam Hussein is out of Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Scarlett Johanssen is f*cking HOT.

(FINE..FINE…this last one has nothing to do with my Mooge analogy…but thought I’d throw it out there)

Cancel my face-off with Billy the Kid…

I’m officially shooting blanks.

(cut to a scene where I’m alone in the house…watching “Gilmore Girls”…)

Me: “I’m gonna Mooge!

..then..just a…

*FOOF*


Yep…as Michael Jordan would say:

Nothing but net.

(please note that the use of “net” in the above analogy means “fluid erupting from penis containing only semen and no live sperm, which are still trapped and/or dead in my balls.“)


As you know, my first donation came back negative.

However, as noted, a SECOND..um..”sample”…ALSO needed to come back negative.


The second negative was needed in order for my urologist (scientific name for “Doctor Who Looks at Winkies”) to proclaim that my tiny little wiggly was no longer a danger to those who could reproduce.

Without this proclamation, it was entirely possible for my wiggly to detach…

…and roam the streets in the dead of night…

…free to claim any and all victims who were foolish enough to believe that he was “just selling insurance.”

(this explains the tally marks I wake up to find marked on my scrotum)


Anyway…

The call came in on Thursday.

The nurse said I’m “free and clear.”

Free.

Clear.

(actually, it’s not so much “clear” anymore as it is “less cloudy”)


I’m told that what happens now is that my little swimmers are still there…itching for a fight…ready to go.

However, when it’s “GO TIME,” they shoot out the pipe as they normally would…

…but then…

DEAD END.


Leader Sperm (looking at the “Police Line – DO NOT CROSS” tape in my balls)
: “What the…?”


So they stay there…together…

…waiting to die.

I’m wondering if it looks like that scene in the movie “ALIVE!”

…about the rugby team that crashed in the Andes…

…and were forced to eat each other to survive.


Except, in this movie, it’s not in the Andes…but, rather, in the testes.

Which begs the question:

If sperm try to eat each other…do they spit or swallow?

But I digress…

Anyway…

I’m really looking forward to the catfight between my beautiful wife and Scarlett.

It should be goooooood.

I hope my wiggly can make it.

..but he’ll probably be out on the party scene…

…selling insurance.

He’s such a prick.

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Comments
  1. Buzzardbilly says:

    >Congratulations on both the new award and the blanks. No doubt, Mrs. Moog will be pleased.

  2. >Congrats on the award! I’m waiting for an entry called…We changed our minds, what do you know about a reversal?

  3. mauniejames says:

    >Good for you..now is what I hear true..that when you shoot blanks you start to shrink each day…both your height and your mr.wiggly…should be interesting…I’ll wait for the blow by blow…maunie

  4. C.Rag says:

    >I have to say reading about dead swimmers have never been funnier.

  5. >That means your body “eats” those little bastards now.Mmmmm yummy! Anyone for seconds?

  6. Chuck says:

    >”do they spit or swallow”…Dude that, and this whole post, was hilarious! Congrats on your having only airgasms!! I need to have this done.

  7. >My “swimmers” are still alive, but they do aqua aerobics with those little foam noodles.

  8. >It makes me so sad that you can’t make a 3rd child to fuck up.

  9. Mike says:

    >I’m just hoping now that you’re little swimmers are gone Mrs. Moog’s sex drive will be there too.Wouldn’t it be horrible if she lost interest completely and all this was for naught?Shame.I hope I didn’t jinx you.

  10. sxdiva says:

    >Yaaay Moooooog! You no longer have to stay up each time you ejaculate naming those little fellers. I’m sure that’s a load off your…er nevermind.

  11. >So now if Mrs. Moooooooooooog gets knocked up you can score some child support from the daddy! :p

  12. AngryMan says:

    >The Scarlet Johanson reference was great, but you talking about your moog kind of ruined it. Solution? You should devote an entire post to Scarlet and all her wonder. Well, then Mike would moog all over his computer, but it’d still be worth it.

  13. Kelly says:

    >I just spent five minutes kicking it with your lame ass sperm and I wanna come back and get me some more. What does that say about me?You and those dead fish ya got swimmin around there in ya sack have officially been blogrolled.

  14. Lori says:

    >I’ve heard that your body absorbs the swimmers. Does that mean that they reincarnate into extra nipples?

  15. moooooog35 says:

    >Angryman: The closest I have to a Scarlett article (yeah..no idea why) is this here.Lori: Christ. I hope not. Although, this does explain this new mole that’s popping out in the middle of my chest.

  16. Prin says:

    >LOL!My favorite line?”If sperm try to eat each other…do they spit or swallow?”hehe… 😀

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