"New and Improved! Now with Less Protein!"

Posted: January 18, 2008 in vasectomy


Negative.

Zilch.

Nada.

Zippo.

They were all…

…DEAD.

…laying there lifeless…

…like defeated warriors on the battlefield in the movie, “Braveheart”

Except, instead of dead and wounded Scottish and British warriors…

…there were just…dead…

…sperm.


Anyway…

My first post-vasectomy sample came back “negative.”

I’m ASSUMING this means that there were no live sperm there…

…and not that the ones in there simply had bad attitudes.


Nurse: “Sir, the sample was negative.”

Me: “Awesome! So..no live sperm?”

Nurse: “Sir..I mean they were VERY negative. I’ve never seen Mooge with worse attitudes. They called us names. Two of them gave the male nurse a wedgie and then stuffed him in a locker.”

Me: “Oh…um…”

Nurse: “Sir, one even spat at me.”

Me: “Yeah…they do that sometimes.”


But, no – there were no live goo-goblins floating around in there.

So…

…onto sample #2.

So, I need to go to an independent lab for this.

The closest lab near where I live is in a hospital twenty minutes away.

Ironically, at the same hospital where both my children were born.

(the goo giveth…the goo taketh away)


Anyway, so the nurse on the phone says this:

Nurse: “You will need to come in and first register with the Outpatient department. You’ll then need to bring your sample to the lab a few doors down.”

Me: “Okay…”

…here’s the kicker:

Nurse: “The sample should be no more than an hour old.”

Here’s where I’m of trying to figure out the logistics how this is to unfold.

Let’s see…

The hospital is twenty minutes away.

If you’ve EVER registered as an “Outpatient” at a hospital, you know this bullsh*t takes at LEAST a half-hour.


There’s NO WAY I’m going to be able to perform the following in an hour:

1) successfully jerk my gherkin

2) get my sh*t together and get out of the house

(this is because my children require approximately one thousand kisses, hugs, kissy-hugs, huggy-kisses, etc.,etc, before I can actually LEAVE THE F*CKING HOUSE)

3) Hop in the car and drive to the hospital

4) Register as an Outpatient

(this requires me to talk with “Belinda, the douchebag outpatient receptionist” who is currently trying to register one of the three Spanish families who have arrived before me…each famility capable of speaking a single word of English: “Chess” (which, actually, may be the word “yes”))

5) Get to the lab…Mooge in hand.

I’m never going to be able to do all of this in an hour.

As such…

…I’m considering making my sample in the car on the ride over.

I’ve never performed mobile masturbation…but really…

…how hard can it be…?

(At the scene of the 5-car pileup):

Police Officer: “Sir, exactly HOW did the accident occur?”

Me: “I had goo in my eye.”

Boy…

THAT’S going to be an awkward call to my insurance agent.


Maybe I’ll just drive really, really fast.

Police Officer: “Sir, can you tell me where you’re off to in such a hurry?”

Me (waving container wildly in the air): “MY GOO! I MUST DELIVER MY GOO!”

Police Officer (drawing gun):
“Sir! PUT..THE CONTAINER…DOWN!

Me: “BUT…MY GOO! MY GOO MUST ARRIVE IN TIME!”

(tazer fire)

(policeman beats me like Rodney King on PCP)

I hate when that happens.

In my head, though, I’m imagining I’ll end up getting a police escort.

Somehow, though, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

The lab is going to have to be happy for Mooge that may be older than an hour.

Man…

imagine just sitting in a container for an hour…

…my sperm is GONNA BE PISSED.

That male nurse is in for SUCH a wedgie.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. AngryMan says:

    >Moooog:Is your negative sperm Italian?

  2. Skryker says:

    >Does that mean that a positive result is little Stuart Smalleys swimming around? “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, eggs like me!”

  3. wolf says:

    >All is not lost. Do it when you park at the hospital. No accident + happy sperm, and if you’re lucky there might be a hot nurse walking by.

  4. Biscuit says:

    >Aw, c’mon. You know you’ve always wanted to get your mooge on in a hospital. Now’s your chance!!

  5. Mimzie says:

    >If you were to ask me if I liked this post today, I would have to say. . .chess!!!

  6. Elise says:

    >Better yet do it infront of the nurse so its all fresh when she gets it…. Is she hot? If so let her make out with your wife to help you along xx

  7. Diva says:

    >While all the spanish speaking families are answering chess y no, run to the nearest bano and get your gherkin on, pal.Fresher than fresh moooooge just in time.

  8. >So much for making your millions selling your squirmies to a sperm bank……..

  9. >First off, I do NOT look like that. My shoulders are broader and I have more hair. And I would never wear leather.Ever considered moogeing yourself in the hospital washroom? Make sure you flush the shitter when you’re done so as not to arouse suspicion. Of course, people using the washroom might wonder why you’re lugging a 45 gallon drum of vaseline out of the stall.

  10. >hhmm… find a sexy nurse in the hospital and collect the sample there.Ops I forgot, no more sexy nurse in real life, they are all monsters!

  11. rs27 says:

    >Whats the problem here? Get your wife to come with you and assist you when you’re on your way in. By assist I mean let her hold the porn mag open.

  12. billymac says:

    >only you could make that scenario hilarious… if i posted something similar, it would just be creepy.

  13. Chickie says:

    >Yank it in the hospital bathroom when you get there. I’ll bet the nurse will appreciate a hot sample to warm her hands.

  14. Buzzardbilly says:

    >Car? Parking lot? Bathroom? I say start working the gherkin during the outpatient registrations. Perhaps others will join in by shouting “chess, chess, chess, cheeeeeeeeeeeess” with you.

  15. >Here is a great opportunity to introduce my new self-inflating, life-sized Bratz doll with a French mouth and removable mooge cup. Off to the bano as previously suggested, pull the tab and …

  16. moooooog35 says:

    >Yeah……as much as I’d like to, I’m going to put the kabosh on the “in-house whack-a-mole” at the hospital for two reasons:1) I don’t work well under pressure2) I hardly think a pamphlet on Kidney Failure is motivation enough to get me going….I could be wrong……depends on the models in the pamphlet.

  17. Mike says:

    >MoooogYou know, it is winter time and you probably are wearing a jacket.Why don’t you just stop at the news stand and pick up a copy of jugs, and hide it in your jacket?If you miss the bottle just crinkle up the sticky page and shove it in there; I’m sure they can scrape it off. How much do they really need?

  18. HeyJoe says:

    >”Don’t Mooge me bro!”You know I’ve heard about folks who’ve had to whack in the office somewhere, and they were given magazines, videos, etc. to help them out. This is what I want.

  19. >I’d be more than happy to help you with your dilemma. Give me a call from the waiting room bathroom. I promise the only pressure you’ll feel, is good pressure.

  20. >Spaz (aka Mike) said…”Ever considered moogeing yourself in the hospital washroom?”M.I. Says…IF you decide to go that route, please make sure you don’t go tapping your foot under the stall wall to the stall next to you. With your luck, there would be some sex depraved senator or other such official looking for a date and the mooog goo would be all over the 10 o’clock news.

  21. >I am surprised you would be able to even get an erection thinking about the prospect of being an outpatient. They need to organise these activities from a Day Spa or something like that. Much more conducive wanking atmosphere.

  22. >Can’t you just tell your wife you went?:D

  23. mauniejames says:

    >Hubby went into a bathroom with aplayboy magazine…I shouted wordsof encouragement until he told me to get lost lol….but then…thinkof all the unrestricted fun you will have…….

  24. >We never had to go through this crap you are going through. Balls were nipped, 2 weeks out of work. Over with. Hell, it only cost 300 bucks to boot. I think they might be testing you for some other kind of penis problem. Maybe they accidentally nipped yer penis instead of your vas deferens ??? That or your doc likes your penis? Which is fine by me. Everyone likes penis.

  25. Chelle B. says:

    >Wow, you city guys have it rough! Here in Idaho the traveling country doc just sprays some blue shit, then puts a thick rubberband on your balls and they fall of in no time!That’s what my husband is having done next week. πŸ™‚

  26. >I wish you all the best in getting your mooge there on time. Maybe you should call on Jack Bauer or James Bond, or The Terminator, to fly you in via helicopter. :o)~

  27. >i would liek to think if i had sperm it would have attitude too. it would be “spunky”

  28. moooooog35 says:

    >Thanks for all of the ideas.I’m not sure that I’ll be able to get Jack Bauer, Titania, although it might be easier with the writer’s strike going on right now.I was actually going to go this morning, but then thought about it being Martin Luther King, Jr. Day here in the States…and with my luck, the lab would be closed….as I stand there…goo in hand…asking the receptionist if she can find me a new cup……and if she has trash anywhere nearby so I can dispose of this one.

  29. Prin says:

    >”the goo giveth…the goo taketh away”Best line evar. πŸ˜€

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s