My Post is Really Long…I Should Whack it for Some Candy.

Posted: January 10, 2008 in rants, sex, vasectomy


“It’s too long” she said.

I know…I know.

…but it only gets this long when I’m really excited.

Ahem…

My blog post…she meant.

I’ve been chastised lately for my posts being too long.

Mind you…

…this is the first time I’ve EVER been accused of having ANYTHING that was too long…so I’m going to relish this moment.

I don’t like criticism:

Commenter: “Hey, just wanted to drop you a friendly note and let you know that I think your posts are too long.”

The Proper comment:
“Thank you, I’ll take this under advisement.”

Actual comment:
“My posts are too long? So are your boobs. They look like they dropped something on the ground and are searching for it. Also, you smell like old fish. Go clean yourself up…preferably with something acidic.”

Criticism + me = bitchy me.


So, in an effort to make nice with this f*cking ass-eating douchebag (sh*t..there I go again), I’ll be making a concerted drive towards shorter posts.

Unfortunately, most of my stories take a while to tell…

…as such…

…in the future, you may see “The Chronicles of…” or “…Part One” in some of my titles.

Example Title:

“My Ass Itches…Not in a Scratchy Way…More Like a ‘Finger in the Hole Digging Around’ Kinda Way…Part One

(“Part Two” involves a ladle and some whipping cream)

(this is also a reminder for myself here to wash my hands fairly soon)


If you like things the way they are, let me know. Otherwise, you’re going to start getting shortened versions.

…much like my stature.

OKAY…On to a topic:


My Icky Sticky Advent Calendar Update:

Well…I’ve done it.

I’ve gone through the motions of ejecting my little swimmers at least 25 times as recommended by my Urologist post-vasectomy.

25 times I made a squishy-eating-lemon face and then went:

“GAAAHHHHhh….Guuuuhhhh…Zzzzzzzzzz


25 times.

My dog is SO pissed at me.

(reminder to myself to give the dog a well-needed bath)

The thing is, I’m not sure if there are any swimmers actually ALIVE in there or not.

To make sure, I have my follow-up appointment next week…

…where I have to bring in a sample of goo.


What’s weird is that I had to SCHEDULE this.

I had to schedule the drop-off of my own drop-offs.


I’m having two problems with this:

1) I’ve forgotten what day my appointment is.

This means that I very may well show up with a cupful of “little Rodney’s” on a day they’re not expecting it.

(it’s always funny to surprise girls with an unexpected sperm delivery)

Me (handing her Moog-spooge): “Here you go!”

Nurse (surprised): “UGH!!…Why didn’t you warn me?!? I wasn’t expecting you to…Why didn’t you tell me you were going to…OH GOD…Ugh!!”

It’s funnier to surprise women this way in the bedroom (guys..TRY IT AT HOME!), but I’m extrapolating that experience to my office visit.


I’ve also just coined a new phrase:

Moog + spooge = Mooge

Mooge.

Anyway…

I’ve been trying to call them to find out when I’m supposed to be there…but there’s no answer.

As such, I may have to just show up every day with a new Cup-A-Mooge (Patent Pending).

Man…I’m gonna be tired.

2) I now have the pressure of creating a “fresh” sample prior to my leaving the house in the morning.

They only accept these things in the morning between 7:30 and 8:00 a.m.

I’m NOT a morning person.

I can barely get my ass out of bed, let alone get my wiggly all jacked up and ready to fire.


Plus…

This means that I probably have to go all postal on my penis while my kids are downstairs eating Apple Jacks…

…blissfully unaware that just 12 steps up, is their father…

…a cup in one hand…

…his little pee-pee in the other…

…beating the bejeesus out of it…

…while reading a Cosmo.

(Ugh. If there’s ONE picture of Renee Zellweger in that issue, there’s no way I’ll be able to finish. It’s like looking at the bottom of a foot. Penis down. Game Over.)


Also, I’ve been wondering if I could “harvest my Mooge” ahead of time…

…and how far ahead I can do it…

Me (handing over Mooge sample): “Here you go.”

The nurse takes the cup, and looks inside…

…where it slightly resembles the cracked dry surface of the Sahara Desert.

…lint is strewn across the surface.


Nurse: “Um…when did you make this?”

Me: “Last week after bowling.”

Nurse: “Um…I think it’s too old…you’ll..”

Me: “Listen, there’s NO way you can stick your fingers in all those little bowling ball holes and NOT feel SOMETHING in your loins. COME ON.”

*blink*

Perchance I’ve said too much.

…anyway…

They also told me NOT refrigerate it.

Um…

NO PROBLEM.

I don’t even like broccoli in my fridge…

…damned certain I’m not going to be placing my genital fluids in there.

Houseguest: “What is this? Eggnog? Eggnog with a hint of…what is that…English Muffin Pizzas? Mmmm…It’s goooood.”


So..no refrigeration..

They’ll need a fresher sample, I guess.

Hmmm…

I wonder what time bowling opens.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. >Mooge in the morning, mooge in the evening, mooge at supper time.

  2. La Gringa says:

    >don’t change a thing… i chuckle with every post…the longer the post, the more chuckling… chuckling is good – thank you!

  3. >All I have to say about the “criticism” you received on the length of your posts…it’s just like TV or the RADIO bitch, if you don’t like it, hit the “next blog” button. Move on, there is nothing to see here but humor, wit and one pissed off short guy who speaks truth of the world.

  4. La Gringa says:

    >@Malicious – exactly!

  5. >My Internet Gigolo! I love it!Hmm maybe a byline…Dont change a thing here, you cheer me up at work EVERY day!

  6. Midleah says:

    >Are you the only guy on the planet who doesn’t wake up with wood??You should go out of your way to make really long posts. That’s what I’d do. πŸ˜‰

  7. C.Rag says:

    >I love seeing morning wood.

  8. Geoff says:

    >Keep them long and strong, maaaaaaaaaan

  9. Elise says:

    >How dare somebody crtisise your posts! Its my version of reading the newspaper… while most people sit down with a copy of The Daily Mail I sit down and click onto your blog. Its more interesting!Congrats on the 25…um…blows?Glad you filled your…um…cup?xx

  10. Anonymous says:

    >and there he was mom, beating his dick like an iraqi prisoner.

  11. rick says:

    >DUDE!, either you or I have a effed up doctor. yours had you whacking 25 times and mine was only once…well i only “had” to do it once but…. well you get it.

  12. Diva says:

    >Don’t even change your daily protocol. If a sister don’t has time to readz the whole thing in it hilarious and side splitting entirety, then she needs to go the hell on about her day.As far as your sample goes. Fresh is best. If there are swimmers they’ll still be running if it’s a same day marathon.

  13. Mee mOe says:

    >Love your humor !!! LOL, I LMAO….haha…

  14. >wow. and I thought I had the longest post in Blog history today…At least yours is HYSTERICAL.I dont know how you come up with these. You should be PAID for this.

  15. moooooog35 says:

    >Ah, so the consensus is long is better.This is depressing news for my groin area.Meleah: You’re right. I SHOULD get paid for this. I’ll send you my address in which you can forward many large bills.Thanks in advance.

  16. >I like my blogs like I like my men — long and funny.

  17. HeyJoe says:

    >I only had to blow about 5 or 6 times before providing a sample. 25 times? My God. I think that Dr. is pulling your dick. Unless of course your with an HMO.

  18. RJ says:

    >Actually, technically I think your doctor is making you pull your own dick, haha. Love the long blogs, you’re hilarious. Keep them coming πŸ˜€

  19. Chelle B. says:

    >Do not change a thing for that snarky bitch. I think its perfect just the way it is! Just the right length for fun and a good, thick width that only enhances the pleasure.(your wife asked me to say this btw) :p

  20. Buzzardbilly says:

    >I agree with Midleah, I’d be writing some fucking opus-sized posts. Fuck chopping your flow (er, word flow).I think you should patent the 25 whacks calendar. What’s a whack gonna be now with a little candy reward?

  21. Anonymous says:

    >”This means that I probably have to go all postal on my penis while my kids are downstairs eating Apple Jacks.”I’ve got you beat.(yes, I caught that) I had to do it down the hall while the wife ran a day-care in the other room.

  22. >Great. Thanks. Now I’ve got “Moog-spooge” running rampant through my brain. Uh.. the words, not the actual um… substance. Uh yeah, so to change the subject….The longer posts are just fine. πŸ™‚

  23. >Don’t change the length!I think you should just write however long you feel, if its a short post keep it short, if its long let it flow… Much like your last 25 days!I laugh at every single one of your blogs and check them everyday, their wonderful,.

  24. Prin says:

    >Oo, you could patent catch phrases.. Like: You mooge, you lose!Awesome.Good luck. I hope you’re shooting blanks. lol I think this is the only time that sentence is appropriate. πŸ˜€

  25. Jahooni says:

    >okay, i am new here and i agree they are kinda long. but long is good. will be back but now I am exhausted from reading this. πŸ˜‰

  26. cookiebitch says:

    >I’ve always liked long ones. As long as they don’t curve to the left.

  27. Smileygirl says:

    >OMG the Renee Zelwagger (yes, WAG because she is a dog face) comment was fantastic! My friend and I CAN’T STAND HER! We call her Pancake Face. Why does her face always appear like it’s been stung by bees!?!?

  28. kdbdallas says:

    >Dont listen to that moog muncher, the posts are great the way they are now!Also thanks for that.I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.

  29. moooooog35 says:

    >So, it appears that the consensus is that people like their midgetman content long.(mental note to go buy a penis pump)I also had a comment to write”Opus sized posts.”I’ll try, but I have no idea why I’d need to go on about the penguin from the Bloom County comic strip (best comic strip ever…tied with “Calvin and Hobbes.”)Thanks, everyone.Enjoy my girth.

  30. >Why don’t you hook yourself up to a milking machine until you get the sample turned in on the correct day?That way you will have to be awake just enough to push a little button.

  31. Sara Sue says:

    >The lanes open at 10:00, I’ve reserved you three games. You’re welcome.

  32. >Anything that makes me laugh is never too long. Nothing wrong with the length of your posts.

  33. MarieM1963 says:

    >Please don’t change a thing. I look forward to your posts every day and read them as soon as I get to work in the mornings.You are so funny!!Marie

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s