A Piercing Scream (a.k.a, Creating my Third Input)

Posted: November 6, 2007 in needles, rants, tattoos

You won’t find me watching “Miami Ink.”

I hate needles. HATE them.

I hate them more than I hate guys who wear their baseball hats sideways (or, even worse, sideways with a KINK) and think they’re the next coming of Eminem.

I hate them more than those people wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day…or inside a building. Unless you’re an albino, TAKE THE GLASSES OFF.

I hate them more than I hate talking to people with accents…especially over the phone where I have no ability to try to read their lips. (This includes people from Texas – sorry, cowboy, but I can’t understand ANY of that shit).

I hate them more than I hate bumper stickers that say, “If you can read this, you’re too close.” I want to kill this man. Guess what, jackass…I’m too close because YOU’RE SO FUCKING SLOW!

I hate needles. Always have, always will.

My hatred for needles is now much deeper since my testicles became another notch in the needle’s proverbial belt.

I’ve had cortisone shots in my shoulder that hurt less than the needle in my balls. MUCH less. It’s no wonder that I damn near kicked the urologist three times as he tried to numb up my old pal, “Mr. Rightnut.”

Needles + balls = not a good idea.

I’m such a pussy…I hate pain.

…but I’m digressing here…

I’ve been to a few blog sites (and I know I have at least one fan here) who put up photos of their tattoos and art. Pictures of dinner plates stuffed into earlobes, and fancy conversion-van graphics grafted onto their backs…

I will have none of it.

Now, I have nothing against these people, and God love them that they can tolerate this level of pain and suffering…

But I’ve done a tattoo once…I probably won’t do it again unless I’m unconscious…or drunk…or some combination of both.

I’ve also had my ear pierced back when ear piercing on white guys was okay (this is how I sell it to myself).

The ear piercing process wasn’t all that bad (it was pretty quick and painless)…it’s just the fact that I don’t tend to follow instructions very well.

Immediately after getting my ear pierced, the woman piercing it said, “You cannot remove it for a week so it heals around it a bit” (or something to that effect). Regardless, her point was, DON’T TAKE IT OUT.

Of course, we got back to my girlfriend’s house where I immediately removed it.

I think the reason we removed it was because the “stud” that I got for it consisted of a faux stone that closely resembled the Hope Diamond. It was huge – like costume jewelry you’d get at a garage sale.

As such, I looked like Liberace…as I have a pretty small noggin. Not the look I was going for.

Now, if you take out your freshly pierced earring, let it be known that replacing that stud is an adventure in pain and torture.

Once you remove it, the freshly mangled skin in your ear simply wants to go back to it’s previous life. It looks across the piercing hole…sees the rest of it’s ear-lobe fleshy friends over there and says, “Hey…I know you…let’s get back together!”

The piercing hole closes faster than an L.A convenience store at the reading of OJ’s verdict.

So, there I am…with my future wife desperately trying to persuade this new stud to go back into this fleshy tunnel that no longer exists. We know there’s an entry hole on THIS side…and an exit hole on the OTHER side…but how you get from here to there through ¼ inch of earlobe is the question…

…so she starts pushing the stud through…trying to get it to pop out the other side…

*crunch*

Ugh…I heard a crunch…

I can’t feel the stud on the other side…so she shifts it around again….

*crunch*

Another FUCKING crunch?!? Really?!

I look at her…there’s blood on her hands.

Excellent.

I’m getting dizzy. She pops it back in one side and is still shimmying it around trying to find the exit on the other side…

*squish..crunch…*

Okay….I’m passing out at this point. Really…what was I thinking getting an earring?

*splurp*

*pop*

It’s through.

It’s through?

Hoo-fucking-ray.

..it’s at this point that I ask my wife to leave, as I’m about to vomit.

The kicker? I ended up leaving that bitch in for about three months, total.

Then 21 Jump Street went off the air, and the look was gone.

Damn you, Johnny Depp. Damn you to Hell!

…then came the tattoo…so onto my next story…

..wait…didn’t I JUST say that I hate needles?

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Comments
  1. Elise says:

    >Ew that sounds horrible! I had an experience with an earing once. I kissed a guy called Tommy in school who just got his ear pierced. My lucky charm bracelet got caught around the stud and I accidently pulled away…Poor Tommy!

  2. Elise says:

    >Ew that sounds horrible! I had an experience with an earing once. I kissed a guy called Tommy in school who just got his ear pierced. My lucky charm bracelet got caught around the stud and I accidently pulled away…Poor Tommy!

  3. AngryMan says:

    >You poor bastard.

  4. Kitty says:

    >What is it with guys and pain? You do like to make the most of it don’t you? :-p

  5. PB&Junk says:

    >This is why men can’t have babies!

  6. moooooog35 says:

    >Actually, PB&Junk, I think the reason men can’t have babies is due to the lack of a working vagina and uterus…I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that’s it.

  7. Madseason says:

    >Friggin’ hilarious! I’ve stumbled onto your blog (sorry, can’t remember where I saw the link or I’d give proper credit) and haven’t stopped laughing – which confirms to my coworker/neighbors that I truly must be tweaked if I’m sitting in my office giggling hysterically… oh well.) Waiting patiently for the tattoo story…In the meantime, perhaps you’ll enjoy my post at http://fatheadmadseason.blogspot.com/2007/09/tenjooberrymuds.html

  8. missyb64 says:

    >My tattoo theory is this:Sure that big huge butterfly looks really hot on your 20 yr. old ass right now, but let’s time travel shall we? How sexy is that gonna look when you’re 82, in a nursing home, and somebody has to wipe your saggy butt? Are you still going to be the hotness to end all hotness of the bedpan set? My guess, given that I am intimately familiar with the cruelty that is flesh and gravity, is not so much. So consider that body art carefully, skin is not a static canvas, and there is nothing sexy about physically lifting and separating wrinkles in order for someone to read your tats!

  9. >I had a double hole in my left earlobe put in when I moved to the Jersey Shore. I thought it lent me the beachcomber look. I got carried away and started wearing a couple of dangly, but manly, earrings. I usually changed to studs at bedtime, so I wouldn’t snag my pillow, but one night I just left the dangles in. My wife and I got it on and we locked up like two cars with their bumpers overlapped. Well, now we’re attached at a couple of places and the lower attachment was still functional. It was quite exciting, but I never, ever, wore the dangles to bed again.

  10. Prin says:

    >Brad’s an original stud? I think he’s quite generic, personally. But I don’t see you in the pic at all.. *squints in confusion* hehe…Johnny rocks. :)I hate needles too. And those guys. And those slow drivers. But I do wear sunglasses indoors on migraine days. 😀

  11. >You mean, you had the entire area numb for surgery and you didn’t opt for a Prince Albert?

  12. moooooog35 says:

    >GB&Me….I had to Google “Prince Albert.”I’m SO SORRY I did.Oh, God..am I ever sorry I did.Never, ever, ever in a million years.I’m going to go throw up now.Thanks for sharing.

  13. rs27 says:

    >This is the type of world we live in that a Prince would put a stud through his penis and be ok with that.Where is this Albert guy?

  14. Biscuit says:

    >Pussy.You could stick me all day long, over and over, and it wouldn’t bother me.You know I’m talking about needles here, right?

  15. >You would have never made it getting your tongue pierced like I did then…Men are such pussies!

  16. >hmmm, so does this mean you AREN’T getting my name tattooed on your scrote to cover up the tiny incision marks? *sobs*

  17. >My wife says the way to make a million bucks in the next decade is to open up a tattoo removal parlor.You were writing about tattoos, right? I hafta admit that after I read the phrase “needle in my balls” I went into a fetal position and was having a hard time reading the screen.

  18. Skryker says:

    >I got my tattoo in part to get over a fear of needles. *blushes* It worked, sort of. I still hate medical needles of all sorts but I’d have no problem getting tattooed again.

  19. >Sometimes the flourecent lights hurt my eyes…so I wear sunglasses inside… : (But I don’t mind needles…And it all evens out because I LOVE your blog!!Awesome!

  20. >After that experience I can see why you hate things that are painful. I hate dentist. They are on my number 1 shit list. That pic of the gaudy ear piece sent me into hysterics.That is too funny.I know I can always stop by and feel good after I leave. Thanks. :o)

  21. Kitty DeMure says:

    >Agreed. Needles are bad news. I tried giving blood once in high school and passed out halfway through. I got all hot and sweaty and then BAM–i was out. No tats for me…no exotic piercings. I’m too much of a needle wimp!

  22. >I have had two children out of hospital with no medication or pain reducers. Call me crazy (it won’t be the first time) I did not cry for either of their births. Though the pain was all consuming.I did however cry when I got my tattoo. Also when I got my ears pierced. Now in my defense I was not a blubbering fool for the tattoo, but the tears did exist. I donated my skin for the purpose of art to a friend who was getting a lesson to improve her tattoo skills. I do not recommend this decision to anyone! (I can hear you now, “duh!”) I drew the artwork myself that I wanted applied into and under my skin, but the technique she was being taught for shading felt like she was sitting atop a mini jackhammer gnawing into my flesh. It was 5 hours of sheer hell. The tattoo is scarred and raised a bit for the sacrifice.Now the ear piercings I got when I was 4, and I did blubber, and that is my excuse. I was 4.I have no desire for anymore of this nonsense….well except maybe to have my tattoo touched up a bit.: )Over all I think I have a fairly decent tolerance for pain. Not that I like pain, I just cope pretty well.~d

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