My Sticky Icky Advent Calendar

In my final pre-vasectomy post, I mentioned:

“…As previously mentioned, (the doctor in the consultation) said that after the surgery I would need to ejaculate 25 times, and bring in the 26th sample.

…Now, I’ve been trying to figure out once I get this penis-party started how I’m going to keep track of all of this. I mean, it’s obvious to me that my kids will start to question the tally-marks I’m making on the calendar in the kitchen, and there’s no way I’ll be able to explain them away.

…So I’m thinking that instead, I’m going to use one of those Christmas calendars, where you open the doors for every day to Christmas starting at December 1. If I use this method, not only will I be able to keep track of my progress towards number 26, but after every successful pop, I’d get to eat a piece of chocolate.

…After I wash my hands, of course.”

My wife, God bless her, took the idea and ran with it. The following is what was given to me when I got home from work last night.

(drumroll)

Ladies and Gentlemen (actually, I guess this could go to either), I present to you, the public unveiling of…

The Whack-A-Cock Masturbatory Advent Calendar (WAC-MAC):

Yes, men – the WAC-MAC allows you to rattle off those required 25 ejaculations, while also enjoying your favorite treat as a reward.

Think of it as the Pavlov’s Dog experiment, but with a penis instead of a puppy.

Actually, I’m sure that’s a fetish somewhere as well, but it’s not how I roll.

..but I digress..

Note the keen eye to detail:

…and two pictures of Mount Vesuvius for added effect:

You’ll note that my wife called this “The 25 Joyous Ejaculations Calendar”. Although redundant (what ejaculations AREN’T joyous?!), it’s quite descriptive. The hard part now is hiding it from my kids…since it has candy AND two pictures of penises.

Anyway, I calculated what this will do to my body…

A 3-Musketeers miniature has 78 calories. There are 24 of them in this calendar.

A 3-Musketeers full-size has 260 calories. There is one here for my grand finale.

(24 x 78)+ 260 = 2132 calories ingested total.

(This is where my years studying math for my Architecture degree pay off….calculating caloric intake for an incessant beating of my bishop. My parents would be SO proud)

I Googled how many calories your burn during sexual activity. Assuming that masturbation can be considered “sexual activity”, the results are 6 to 7 calories per minute. If it cannot be calculated as sexual activity, then I may – actually – still be a virgin.

So, I then add this into my equation (I’ll calculate the high side of the caloric intake).

(7 calories per minute) multiplied by my “time to completion” (1/2 minute) = 3.5 calories per completed whack.

If I could get myself to go longer than 30 seconds, I’d be much better off. But I’m just SO GOOD at it…damn you right hand…damn you to HELL!

If I add another .5 calorie for getting myself off the couch to get a tissue, we’ll round it out to 4 calories for every glue tossed.

So…

4 calories x 25 whacks = 100 calories burned.

So, I take in 2132 calories, and burn off 100.

I’ll be fat…but at least I’ll be happy. Happy…and a little bit messy.

http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com