Great Balls of Ice

Posted: October 25, 2007 in vasectomy


Well, it’s over.

At approximately 11:30 a.m., on October 25, 2007, I took two shots of novacaine to my testicles.

Shortly thereafter, they were cut open, ripped apart, cauterized and then sewed back up. My first and only vasectomy, is officially over.

So…awesome.

(insert sarcasm here).

Right now, I’m sitting here now watching hockey and waiting for the World Series Game 2 to start…with a giant bag of ice on them.

To the guys out there: Guys…it’s nasty.

If you’ve never taken a needle to the nut and are in line for one, GET OUT OF THE LINE NOW.

The needle hurts. It hurt A LOT. Interestingly, it hurt a LOT more in my right nut than my left…I guess Righty is a much more sensitive, caring ball.

The third time I nearly kicked the doctor in the head with my right knee, he started to get perturbed. So, instead of attempting murder-by-kneecap for a fourth time, I decided to suck it up and take it.

Here’s the thing…once they’re numb, the whole procedure took, like, 10 minutes.

The absolutely most disturbing part was the cauterization…seeing smoke coming from your crotch is…well…interesting. I’ve only seen this once – when I accidentally used Ben-Gay instead of KY for masturbating.

The smell of a burning nutsack has turned me off to grilling for a while. I’ll be boiling my bratwurst in water or beer now for a few months, at least.

…all of this happened as my bloody, well-manscaped junk hung out in the open for the doctor and his nurse. I wasn’t expecting the nurse. I was hoping for a lesbian assistant or something…but NO.

Anyway, I’m not sure which part of the following two things that happened was more disturbing:

1) The doctor, upon removing my towel and seeing my shaved crotch, looks at me and says, “Hey…nice job down there!”

?!?!?

Um…thanks?

…or…

2) The doctor and the nurse start a conversation on guys coming into the office all manscaped. They comment on a 22-year old who came in the day before. The nurse looks at the doctor, her face lights up, and she says:

“Wow..he was NICE looking.”

Great. Now I know (KNOW) my little guys are part of some global junk-comparison between patients. I wonder who won the pool on me.

(In the backroom, a nurse checks her square and jumps up yelling, “It’s me! It’s me! I had 5 inches length and 2 inches girth!”)

..ugh…

Anyway, big thanks to everyone for their well-wishes. I’m settling in tonight to watch Game 2 of the World Series (go Sox!) with a partly frozen crotch. I’ll be popping my first Vicoden around 9:30.

Ice in my crotch.

Vicoden.

World Series.

Wife waiting on me hand and foot (thanks, hon!)…

..other than getting my nuts sliced open, not a bad day, really.

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Comments
  1. robr says:

    >huh… you got off easy. 10 minutes and smoke? mine was 40 minutes and staples. at least i didnt need to wear a cup.

  2. >If you didn’t hear them laughing as you left then you must be up in the top 10.Ummmm not too sure the term “hang in there” is appropriate at this time so……See ya wouldn’t wanna be ya!

  3. >OMG! There is nothing funny about going through that. What buttholes you had doing your surgery. Totally unprofessional. :o(Hope the boys feel better soon.

  4. Kevin Gannon says:

    >Wow. Intense.I am really, really sorry that you had to see your own testicles emit smoke. No man should have to see that. Just remember: it is for a greater cause.I just came across this and I am actually glad I did. I don’t know why, but I feel a little safer now. If a man can get over a his ballsack being sliced, proded, set ablaze and sewn back up, I can’t imagine anything being that much worse.good work.Cheers

  5. Chickie says:

    >Did you get to keep the testicles?

  6. Emmy says:

    >Oh I am thinking of you, not in that way 😉 I hope you are ready to rock soon. And I hope righty is ok.

  7. Jolean says:

    >glad it went well.. was hoping you would do a quick recap.. yeah my hubby said the needles hurt the worst.. glad you took one for the team though! now go relax (insert sarcasm) and don’t freeze the nuts off completely!

  8. Elise says:

    >I guess if I were looking at men’s privates all day I’d have to compare too. For the nurse, who works day in day out down there, to say “he was nice!” enthusiastically, then I guess the 22 year old must have had one pretty looking private!

  9. clairec23 says:

    >You’re really going to milk this for all it’s worth aren’t ya? Poor wifey…

  10. C.Rag says:

    >I’m glad I’m not a man. Poor nuts!I’m glad is went well for you & you won the pool!

  11. moooooog35 says:

    >Thanks everyone. So far, so good. My nuts are still the same size, although thanks to the ice they continue to migrate up into my lower stomach to try to stay warm.Stupid nuts.Unless something drastically bad happens, I’ll be resuming my normal posts about poop and pee and embarrassing myself shortly.

  12. cardiogirl says:

    >How very … interesting. I particularly like the idea of the chart and the nurse in back winning.

  13. Sara Sue says:

    >22 y.o. in there for a vas?? You didn’t happen to get his number, did you?

  14. Skryker says:

    >Ouch!I’ve rarely seen a positive side to my own infertility, but now I can say, at least my hubby won’t have to see smoke emerging from his crotch. (hugs) and good vibes for a speedy recovery.

  15. Kitty says:

    >*Goes off to google ‘Ben-Gay’*

  16. Kitty says:

    >I had to google Ben-Gay. It says it’s an ‘analgesic rub’ – you should maybe have rubbed that on Righty and Lefty to avoid needing the needle? :-p

  17. sxdiva says:

    >Congratulations. Now, in case you decide you’d like it reversed, here’s what to expect……

  18. >I did not want to mention it yesterday, but that friend I had referred to in yesterday’s post had shared with me this detail. The smoking pink parts, and smell of roasting nuts.Glad you made it out alive!

  19. >pussy!;)Hope it all heals nicely and you can romp away once more like a lamb in a grassy field.

  20. >actually, this story should be called:”Goodness gracious……..great balls of fire!”Little Richie

  21. >I guess you now longer wonder why the Duggar’s have about 1000 kids. He’s a wuss and can’t take one for the team.

  22. Kitty DeMure says:

    >See…that wasn’t so bad. I didn’t mention it before, but my husband actually felt the first slice into his sack. I’m sure he had more than a little bit of panic at the time, but he yelped to the DR and everything was taken care of.

  23. Prin says:

    >LOL @ your balls migrating. First they take a needle (or three), then they take a flaming, but ice? Noooo wayyyy. :DNow get cracking on those 25 pumps or whatever. I’m sure you’re in the mood, right?

  24. whatagem says:

    >I attempted to tell my hubbie the funniest parts of the V-Day post. He wouldn’t hear of it. Just covered his ears and sang, “LA LA LA LA LA!”I still haven’t told him about my watching his knee block, pre-surgery. Though I don’t really need a reason to clean up any barf right now.

  25. Biscuit says:

    >Hey, at least you didn’t have to squeeze a watermelon out of a swizzle stick 🙂

  26. JDP says:

    >Had that done about 15 years ago. I agree it is pure torture. After about six months one of the staples came loose and I was back to shooting live ammo again. Wife went and got her tassles tied, no way I was going through that again! JDP

  27. Nellioness says:

    >Dear Moooog, my friend, I’m glad you’re well now and all is over. It was very interesting to read your detailed vasectomy posts. Now we women know what men experience for us :)Chin-chin,”Guy wearing jock strap”! 😉

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