A Commode, Untainted

Posted: October 24, 2007 in poop


BWB!

That’s all the text message said.

It was about 9 in the morning. I was working, when my cell phone buzzed.

1 New Text Message”, it said.

I viewed it – I was curious. No one texts me. Here’s what was on my screen:

BWB!

That’s it. Just “BWB!” was written there. I checked to see who it was from – it was my buddy who sat in the next cube.

Curious, I shouted over the wall, “Hey…what’s with BWB?”

There was no answer. He wasn’t there.

He was in the john.

I’m trying to figure this acronym out without success (like a fucked up vanity plate you can’t decypher). Frustrated, I give up.

When he eventually returned from his doodie duty, I asked him again:

“What’s BWB?” I asked.

With an excited tone of “duh – you should know this” in his voice, he answered:

“Blue Water, Baby!”

Blue Water, Baby.

To recap: BWB = Blue Water, Baby

Now, for those of you don’t work in an area with public restrooms, or whose morning bowel movements aren’t something you look forward to, this article is going to skip right over your head.

However, for the rest of us we know that there is one shiny, glimmering beacon of hope in the otherwise desolate and dreary workplace.

Amidst the dreariness of cubeville, and the monotony of staring at porn on your work computer without trying to get HR involved, there is…may I say it… 

HOPE.

This shimmering rainbow in a sky of despair only comes to those lucky few who get into work in the wee hours of the morn…

…and have to poo.

It’s blue water.

Blue, untainted, toilet water.

(skies open, God rays shine down, choir kicks in)

For those of you failing to grasp the significance of this, think about it for one moment.

When you have the – dare I say it – religious experience of opening the bathroom stall, peering into the crapper and seeing that heavenly blue water, you know this:

1) The toilet is clean

2) You’re the first one on there that day, and are giving it it’s inaugural poo!

3) You’re not sitting on, and merging with, other people’s ass cooties!

4) You’re setting the bar for which all other ass cooties will follow that day.

5) People will be running from YOUR ass cooties(as well as any butt or short curlies that may become dislodged and land on the seat). Finally, the shoe is on the other foot (or, more appropriately, the bun is on the other cheek).

It’s a glorious thing.

I’m not sure that it’s so glorious that you have to text your friends about it, but it’s a wonderful thing nonetheless.

Seeing the blue water means that you don’t have to squat.

You don’t have to wipe the seat before you sit.

And it definitely means that you don’t have to try to figure out those damn paper toilet ring protector-things that you’re supposed to drape over the toilet seat before you sit down.

…ugh…those paper thingies…

I’m not sure if I’m the only one, but I’m 39 years old and – to this day – have no idea how to put those paper ring things on a toilet seat. They need to put instructions on the dispenser.

I mean, there’s this goofy paper cutout thing that hangs down in the middle. Does that thing hang down in the front of the seat, or the back?

If I place it so it hangs down from the front, I pee on it.
If I place it so it hangs down in the back, I poop on it.

No matter which way I put it, that paper dangly thing sticks down into the water and starts soaking it all up out of the toilet…water creeping up ever so slowly towards my seated carcass (queue Jaws music).

Then, if you realize that it’s seated incorrectly, you stand up a tiny bit to move it into the correct position. At this point, the automatic toilet flusher kicks in, thinking you’re leaving, and sucks the stupid thing down the toilet anyway.

To add insult to injury, because you’re only seated an inch away from the seat and the toilet flushes with enough force to take the paint off of a Sherman tank, you get sprayed with – oh the HORROR – toilet water all over your bum. You clench your bumhole closed in an effort to stop these spraying droplets from actually penetrating you (an affliction known as IAC – Internal Ass Cooties).

…this is not how I wanted to start my day.

As such, I say screw the paper ring things…I’ll take my chances with the ass cooties, thankyouverymuch.

So, remember, the next time you enter the haven of all havens and a sea of clear, bright blue water is there to greet you…just think about what a great day it’s going to be…at least for you.

Then remember to text your friends.

BWB

Advertisements
Comments
  1. >Only you could write an essay on BWB. Luckily, over the last 12 years, I have been able to work form home… there is nothing like it. In the beginning of my career (??) I was in cube hell and I know exactly what you are talking about. In fact in the car, on the way into the office, I would actually begin thinking about the BWB, and being the first one to use the toilet. It’s funny, but it was always the drive into work that acted like a laxative for me. I know TMI (too much information.)

  2. clairec23 says:

    >You’re an awful fecking eejit 🙂 I would bypass all of that crap easily because I NEVER use those toilets. No feckin’ way. That automatic flush thing sounds scary.Nice imagery by the way – I’m still humming the music from Jaws…

  3. C.Rag says:

    >There’s one guy at work who has a major pooping problem probably b/c he only eats slim fast & yogurt. He takes his whole entire briefcase with him to the bathroom. We all know that he’ll be in there stopping up the toilet like he does every day. I’m not kidding! The office manger has the plumber on speed dial for him.

  4. >hehe, interesting. 🙂 Reminds me of the worst first date I ever had. After licking his fingers, smacking his food, and eventually forgetting his wallet, he looks up from his cleanly licked plate and says, “So, what do you think about those blue things they stick in the toilets?” Oh gawd, he was dead serious too. Do you, by chance, happen to know him? hehe If you ever got to northern CA, I could introduce you, you guys might have lots to talk about. 😉 Cindywww.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com

  5. >hehe, interesting. 🙂 Reminds me of the worst first date I ever had. After licking his fingers, smacking his food, and eventually forgetting his wallet, he looks up from his cleanly licked plate and says, “So, what do you think about those blue things they stick in the toilets?” Oh gawd, he was dead serious too. Do you, by chance, happen to know him? hehe If you ever got to northern CA, I could introduce you, you guys might have lots to talk about. 😉 Cindywww.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com

  6. Prin says:

    >The flappy part goes over the front of the bowl, doesn’t it? Like you know how there’s a break in the front of industrial toilet seats that reveals the nasty porcelain underneath? It covers that. I thought that’s what it was for, anyway.I’ve never had blue water here, but some days, you walk in and it smells heavily like men’s cologne, and that’s when I know it’s fresh (and maybe the sleazy cameras have been replaced).

  7. Jolean says:

    >I always thought the flappy part went in fron too.. I understand about the blue water.. it is nice to see that. but as a woman i have mastered the hover and squat technique pretty well, so most of the times, i say F it to the seat covers anyways.. If i gotta go, i’m not wasting any time enduring the cramp-ies to pull apart the perferations for that thing!

  8. cardiogirl says:

    >Love the last visual of the Super Power Flush. Good job.Like jolean I hover and have thighs of steel so I have no experience with the “cover.”My first thought was: this dude brought his cell phone into the crapper? Hmmm. ‘Nuff said right there.

  9. robr says:

    >If your cleaning people are anything like the ones I have in this building, BWB most certainly does not equal “clean”. They use buckets that never get cleaned, then a dirty mop and just swish around the bacteria on the floor and the toilets and stick the filthy mop back in the unwashed buckets. Sometimes they don’t even dump out the water from the bucket, they use the same bucket, same mop and same water all week long.Blue != clean

  10. >i work in a very small office, 12 of us total. only one of my cowkorkers is a boy, so we all use the mens bathroom (we have two single occupant bathrooms, mens & womens) to take a shit in. today was a double bonus, BLUE WATER in the boys bathroom. i knew then it was gonna be a good day!

  11. >Here I thought BWB stood for belligerent white boy!Guess you learn something new everyday.

  12. Emmy says:

    >Awesome post, I really enjoyed reading this it made my day. 😉

  13. moooooog35 says:

    >On a related note…I had BWB THIS MORNING!!…been whistling all day long…..I just hope I don’t have to go again.

  14. >I pity the English language

  15. Cash says:

    >Silly Hu-Mans!I just poop in your yards & watch as you step in it. I chuckle to myself.LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

  16. moooooog35 says:

    >Malach: !?!?Pope and Cash: I think I speak for all of us when I say:wtf?

  17. PB&Junk says:

    >Congrats on the BWB this morning! I know nothing about that cuz I have FTA (foreign toilet anxiety).

  18. >It would have been so much more considerate of your office mate to use that phone to take a purty picture of the event and e-mail it to you. Three little letters just don’t convey the magnitude of the situation.

  19. clairec23 says:

    >I second that wtf and add a feckin’ eejit…

  20. >nothing better than a bwb…i guess. me, i like filthy, dirty toilets…makes me feel like i’m at home.

  21. PB&Junk says:

    >My boyfriend says you’re supposed to put the flappy thing on the toilet seat paper thingy in the back so when you drop the hammer it prevent backsplashgood luck

  22. Pat Z says:

    >I am overwhelmed … I have never used one of those cover things because I am not that mechanical. As far as texting from the toilet, I think your cubie needs a hobby or a pet of some kind … a gekko perhaps.

  23. >ass cooties?!?!! This is the most amazing word combination I’ve heard all day….we linked you. 😉

  24. Joeprah says:

    >That is absolute genius! Funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thanks man!

  25. Sara Sue says:

    >Nice photoshopping moooogie! I’m curious if your readers who talk about hovering can poop while they’re in that position. I can hoverpee but no way I can hoverpoo. How ’bout you?

  26. Kitty says:

    >I sniggered at the post, and I sniggered at the comments too – great blogging.I am a paper thingy virgin :-O I’ve never seen one before, let alone used one. Surely your employers should be sending you on some sort of training course if they want you to use complicated technical equipment?

  27. Jolean says:

    >Thinking about you today as you go for your surgury.. hope all goes well!

  28. AngryMan says:

    >Real men don’t talk about bowel movements. This is sick, man. You’re sick, get help.

  29. moooooog35 says:

    >Thanks to everyone who commented on this post – I’m glad I’m not alone in regards to public toilets.Angryman: Real men talk about three things:1) Sports2) Women3) PoopYou may need to re-evaluate your priorities if a good BM isn’t in your daily vocabulary.If you’re really good, you can combine all three in one sentence:”Holy SHIT. That female volleyball player is hot!”It’s a science. You’ll get it if you keep at it.

  30. Vanessa says:

    >oh my god, this blog is awesome! Love the BWB…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s