How to scare a celebrity

Posted: October 17, 2007 in celebrities, rants

It was Scarlett Johansson.

A friend of mine shot me an Instant Message the other day, saying she had seen Scarlett Johansson at the Houston airport.

Me, at this point, being completely speechless about actually SEEING her (as I formerly believed that someone that hot could only exist via airbrushing), started grilling her on it. My friend said that she was wearing some glasses to disguise herself, but that she knew it was Scarlett when she overheard her talking on her cell phone. They were so close to each other, that they brushed shoulders.

She said that she neglected to ask her for her autograph, but – and here’s the good part – she did manage to get a picture of her.

I feel shifting in my loins. Boinnnggg!!!!

I immediately asked for the picture. Holy crap. A true to life picture of the goddess, Scarlett Johansson. I’m immediately considering making this my new desktop wallpaper. I’m expecting my inbox to provide me with something like this:

…my Inbox says “New Mail.” Here it is…I open it…my pulse quickening…

…and I see the actual picture:


No doubt here that I’m looking at Scarlett Johansson. How could it be anyone else?

What makes this all the more legitimate is the giant finger in front of the lens, giving it validity (i.e., like providing scale to a video of a UFO behind trees). You can almost see Scarlett’s pouting lips if you squint hard. Of course, you need to be in the CIA with advanced zoom and picture clarification equipment…but once you manage to equip yourself and run these scans, you really can tell it’s Ms. Johansson. Actually, instead of squinting you’re probably better off closing your eyes completely and just visualizing Scarlett. In my imagined image of her, there’s no giant finger…(okay…that’s a lie).

Personally, I’ve only brushed into greatness a couple of times. I’ve run into a few Boston sports legends (Manny Ramirez, Tim Wakefield, Ray Bourque (twice)), one sports announcer (Gary Thorne of ESPN in Dallas), and one supermodel.

The supermodel in question was Christie Brinkley.

A long time ago, when my wife and I were first dating, I took her to see Billy Joel in concert. At the time, Billy Joel was married to Christie Brinkley (how this marriage ever happened after I tried to intervene is beyond me).

Regardless, being the cheap bastard that I am, we had crappy seats. Our seats were floor level…but WAAAAY in the back…near the control panel. With both of us being just over five feet tall, we spent the entire concert up on our chairs. Unfortunately, so was everyone else, so we still couldn’t see shit.

Near the end of the concert, I happened to turn around. There, at the control panel, was Christie Brinkley. THE Christie Brinkley. MY Christie Brinkley. The very same Christie Brinkley who had adorned the space over my waterbed in poster form for years. The exact same Christie Brinkley responsible for my mother asking, “Son, do you have a cold? You’ve gone through an awful lot of tissues.”

I was dumbfounded…completely in awe. I spent the next fifteen minutes of the concert with my back to the stage…staring her down.

I’m not sure how my wife was reacting, because at this point I think I forgot she was there.

With Billy’s encore approaching, Christie started to move. I watched her step down from the control panel area, and start walking up the aisle. MY aisle. She was coming right towards me.…God…here she comes….

And with my pheremones-a-flyin’, I lost control as she passed within two feet of me.

I screamed.


I screamed her name SO LOUDLY that she actually jumped and put her hand to her heart. I scared her. I scared her enough that she almost had a heart attack. I somehow managed to yell so loudly that I not only drowned out the music of the concert, but I probably made her pee a little.

She looked at me, startled. Then she mouthed, “Hi” and waved at me. I felt dizzy.

I spun around, all proud of myself (she said “Hi” to ME!!) and looked at my wife.

Yep…she wasn’t amused. Actually, she looked kind of mad and a lot of embarrassed.

That was the night I met my “Uptown Girl.”

I also think it was the night that my wife tore apart my Christie Brinkley poster.

  1. Sara Sue says:

    >Nice!! I’ll bet she remembers it as vividly as you do.I knew a woman who happened to be at a banquet which Robert Redford (years ago when he was so, so hot) was attending. She was dressed to the nines, hair perfect, etc., but when he actually was introduced to her and extended his hand, she stood there and made gurgling noises. He graciously moved on to the next introduction. Poor thing.

  2. hansu_87 says:

    >Scarlett Johansson is hot! You’re lucky to get so close to her….interesting blog!

  3. C.Rag says:

    >I would do so many nasty things with Scarlett Johansson.

  4. clairec23 says:

    >I have a HUGE amount of sympathy for your wife for real 🙂 I’m pretty sure my other half would probably embarass me even more than that if he came across someone famous that he wanked over…He’s the kind of person that waves like a madman at the camera if he happens to walk past a reporter taping a news report. ‘Nuff said.I don’t even think that’s Scarlet Johansson ha! I’m sorry, I’m mean, I bet it is her and I bet she isn’t wearing underwear. I can just tell…Kudos to you for having that photo in your possession… 😀

  5. >These stories just prove the need for an ITTSUTY Day. The pretty celebs would of had to talk to instead of you people embarrassing yourselves or taking creepy, blurry little pictures of hotness.For More on ITSSUTY day vist this blog post. I Scarlett is sooo hot.

  6. >I doubt that Scarlett would walk around an airport dressed like she is in the first picture. Brittany Speers, yes, Scarlett, I doubt it.A couple of years ago we were in NYC over Thanksgiving weekend. My wife LOVES Hugh Jackman. We were waiting outside the stage door when he came out. She got to meet him, get an autograph, and shake his hand. After, we went to dinner and she had to go to the rest room. I told her I’d understand if she took a little longer than usual.While she was meeting Hugh, I got to meet Brooke Shields who walked down the street and brushed shoulders with me.

  7. >Now just what makes you think any of those women would want anything to do with the likes of you?You are such a dreamer! :oP

  8. >see…you have 6, now 7 comments! i enjoyed your post! i’d rip up the christie brinkley poster, too. as for scarlett johanssen (i’m sure i just totally misspelled her name)…my husband thinks she is hot, too. personally, i don’t get it but, that’s just me!

  9. moooooog35 says:

    >Preposterous: A man can dream…a man can dream.I also met the weatherman from New Hampshire Channel 9 one time…but that’s more of like a “hey..he is freak” sighting than celebrity meeting.

  10. Chickie says:

    >Was it a manly scream/yell or a girly scream?I love your blog.

  11. clairec23 says:

    >I’d like to imagine it was more of a shrill, eardrum popping, girlie shriek.

  12. >Maybe it was somewhere between an “oh my God I have a hornet in my ear” scream and an “OWWW! I just cut myself while shaving my testicles” scream.

  13. Nellioness says:

    >Wow moooooog :)I’m glad I took time to read through your recent posts!!! Very nice and fun! And this post is really interesting. You have a writing talent, indeed.

  14. >i thought the best way to scare a celebrity was to hide in the backseat of their car.i’m always open to learning new things, thanks!

  15. >Hey Mooooooog—thought i would swing by and take a peek at your blog since you had been spending some time on mine. I like it….youre very funny and your poor wife, even sadder is the loss of your Christie Brinkly poster.

  16. >Hey Mooooooog—thought i would swing by and take a peek at your blog since you had been spending some time on mine. I like it….youre very funny and your poor wife, even sadder is the loss of your Christie Brinkly poster.

  17. >Brushes with Celebrity?Many, many years ago, long before he bought the NE Patriots, Bob Kraft owned a World Team Tennis team called the Boston Lobsters, and we were season ticket holders. At a pre-season party I talked with him for a few minutes. He’s a very articulate, engaging man.And I almost ran over Goldie Hawn once, when she was in Concord shooting ‘House Sitter’.

  18. whatagem says:

    >That’s Scralett Johansen??? I watched The Island a while back and suddenly felt very insecure with myself. See why?

  19. >I totally see Scarlett. And look, she is mouthing, I *heart* you.Um…yeah.

  20. Oswegan says:

    >You might be able to touch it up in photoshop.But the finger . . . that is a problem.~Oswegan

  21. Joanne says:

    >LOLOLs, amusing story after amusing story….love the way you tell it.

  22. >What, he did not try and kill her?

  23. >I once met Boris Becker and he showed me how to hold a tennis racket. When i was 18 apparently I looked like the April Penthouse girl of the month – but no-one screamed my name. My dad’s friend gave me a leer though.

  24. moooooog35 says:

    >Angryman: Yeah, Billy Joel. I actually STILL like Billy Joel (sometimes you stray from your music fetishes – I’m a metal-head at heart, but like Charlie Daniels and Billy Joel…go figure).Actually, having my friend there instead of me saved me from a probably felony conviction for lewd behavior in an airport.Colonel: I’m not sure I’d consider Bob Kraft a celebrity…although it would be cool to meet him. I wonder if he’d be wearing that stupid f*ing blue shirt with white collar that he’s always wearing…..think the guy could shop somewhere other than Target for his shirts.

  25. Prin says:

    >hehe… I’m surprised your wifey didn’t tear anything else.. :DMy only brush with greatness was having Jeremy Irons sit behind me on a plane. Yep. That’s not a voice you want to hear when you’re on a plane. Even if he was talking to a ten year old.

  26. Enchantress says:

    >Tee-hee-hee. I can see why your wife would tear up your poster. But I can understand why you took your chance when you had it. Heck! I think I would have done the same thing! And this is coming from a girl!! =)

  27. cardiogirl says:

    >You, my friend, are funny. You are going on my Technorati list post haste.I met Tiny Tim once at the Detroit Metro Airport. He had really yellow, crooked teeth and really long, red kinky hair.I asked him, “Are you Tiny Tim?” And he said, “Yes. Thank you for recognizing me.That’s my brush with fame.

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