Is that Kashi on your hands, or are you crappy to see me?

Posted: October 12, 2007 in bathroom, poop, rants


It’s a list you don’t want to be on.

In all the places I’ve worked, the guys I know and work with keep “a list.” No, it’s not a “whack” list (this isn’t High School, after all).

It’s a bathroom “wash list” (a.k.a., “You’re F*cking Gross” list)

It’s a list of guys who don’t wash their hands before leaving the bathroom.

A recent CBS survey said that 7% of Americans admitted to not washing their hands after going to the bathroom. I believe that 90% of this 7% are located where I work.

I don’t understand the idea of NOT washing your hands. The amount of germs you walk out with resemble the picture I’ve put at the top of this article.

(By the way – that isn’t a bowl of bacteria in that picture. It’s actually a picture of Kashi cereal (TM) which bears a horribly striking resemblance to a giant petri dish. How people eat that crap and not think Streptococcus is beyond me.)

…back to the washing hands thing…

Will it kill you to at least sprinkle them with water?
Is it too time consuming?
Are you immune to disease?
Do you pee and poo with laser accuracy?

One of the things most often heard when call someone out who hasn’t washed their hands is, “well…I didn’t pee on them.”

I’m happy for you.

I didn’t pee on mine, either. It’s a personal goal I have. Now I can go home early. Hooray for me!

However, if you’ve ever had the opportunity to actually stand near a flushing urinal, or even look at the floor AROUND a urinal, you’ll realize a couple of things:

1) Even when given a target the size of a small refrigerator, guys will still piss all over the surrounding area
2) You get soaked when the damn thing flushes

Every time I go into the men’s room, I have to do the four-foot wide straddle to avoid standing in a puddle of piss. I’m not sure what these guys are doing in there. It’s like they run in, penis flailing about, and just let loose (I picture one of those wacky sprinkler things you put on your lawn to let the kids run through).

My son has this problem. I actually went into my bathroom at home one day and saw pee on TOP of the toilet. Not the top of the toilet seat, the actual top of the toilet itself.

His explanation: “It came out like a volcano!”

He won’t go on my list though. He’s four.

Back at the workplace, though, it’s actually worse when you go into a stall where a guy peed (instances where all the urinals or taken, or – if you’re short like me – the kid urinal is being used and you can’t reach the tall one without hanging your junk on the lip of it).

There in the stall, in all it’s glory, is the toilet seat – still down – covered in great big yellow droplets of pee. If I have to pee in there, then it’s not really a big deal. It’s when I have to poo – and now pull janitorial duty – that this royally pisses me off.

The soaked-while-flushing thing ALWAYS gets me. This is because I’m fairly short, and the sensor that determines whether or not you’ve moved from the urinal doesn’t take into effect that I may have just decided to look down to make sure I’M not peeing on the floor. At this point, with my head down, the toilet goes into it’s violent uber-flush, spraying me with water, pee, boogers that other guys have flicked into the urinal, and little blue pieces of urinal cake.

Yeah…let me NOT wash my hands.

As such, I keep a mental note of people I see (or hear) walk straight from the urinal or stall out the door. This information is then shared with my peers (unless it’s one of them where they’re subsequently called out in front of everyone), so we can avoid dying of E-Coli later on.

I actually worked in a building where one of our developers (surprise!) didn’t wash his hands after ANYTHING. However – and I watched him do this many times – he would grab a paper towel on the way out of the bathroom, and use it to cover the door handle as he opened it.

The irony.

Here he was paranoid of touching other people’s germs…but thought nothing of walking out of the bathroom with pee and poo particles all over his own fingers. What an ass.

On our list, he was number 1.

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Comments
  1. Sara Sue says:

    >Hey, you need to read THIS. Then we’ll have a discussion with Mike, OK?

  2. moooooog35 says:

    >Mike is SO on my list.

  3. clairec23 says:

    >The next time someone asks me why I don’t like shaking hands with people, I’m gona send them here 🙂

  4. Mike says:

    >Put me at the top of the list cause I ain’t touching nothing in a men’s room other than my own dick and I know exactly where that has been!

  5. >Malach likes to spread his love, hence I never wash at all.

  6. C.Rag says:

    >I wash my hands when I first get in the bathroom & after I’m done with my business.I can’t handle dirty bathrooms or dirty people. I like dirty sex, but that’s another issue.I’m not OCD about it, but it just makes me uneasy.

  7. Geoffrey says:

    >Dude. I don’t know if you were in my building or not but I’m about 90% sure that Dev still works here.

  8. >My BF still pee’s on the floor at home…seriously gross. I have refused the clean the floors in the bathroom but that didn’t help. SO I bought him a pee rag. How can you seriously miss!! I can undersyand if you are drunk but sober? Now that is just plain laziness. FYI, the women’s bathroom is not much better!

  9. Emmy says:

    >Great blog. I love your posts, I will definitely be back for more. 🙂

  10. >um, so we arent supposed to pee on the top of the toliet? oh, i think the guy who used the paper towel to cover the door handle was trying to make sure he kept the fecies/e coli to himself. i know i’m kind of greedy about it too.also, i like the new pic. its hot. makes me want to make out with your hand. but only after you washed them.

  11. Agnes Mildew says:

    >What a brilliantly written post! This is one of my bugbears, to be honest! A former boss of mine was renowned for being a dirty b*tch and not washing her hands. The other women in the office block were aware of this, and when I returned on a visit, having found another job, I discovered the ladies’ toilets plastered in orders to wash hands, the risks of strep and E Coli etc – and it was all because of Bridgette. She also ate her own ear wax, but that’s another story…

  12. >I poo with laser accuracy. I never miss, it’s really incredible! It even makes a cool Star-Wars-blaster-esque sound when it comes out.

  13. >flushed e-coli all over ones ass. Yet another reason to make my husband shower before he gets into bed. Thanks.

  14. Mrs. Flinger says:

    >You’re officially on my blogroll. Damn, this is wonderful crap.And all you did was confirm for me every horrible thought of men’s hands after using the restroom. Or any time, really.

  15. whatagem says:

    >That Kashi cereal looks like rat droppings swimming in milk. No wonder I’m so afraid of the grocery store

  16. >Am I the only one who sees the sprinkler thingy as a phallic symbol? I start reading and then…I just lose concentration when I get to the picture…

  17. Phoebe Fay says:

    >What’s really bad is when you see a co-worker not wash her hand, and she’s the one who cuts and distributes all the office birthday cakes!Kinda helped my diet, seeing that.

  18. >De pope only washed in the Blood of Christ yes, yes.

  19. Sirdar says:

    >I work in a very multicultural company and the Safety guy had to put out an email explaining the reason we wash our hands here in Canada. I have noticed too that many in our company do not wash their hands. And they aren’t new to the country.I am one to use the toilet stall instead of the urinal. Yes, there does seam to be many who can’t hit the urinal. I personally don’t see how you can miss. I mean, you’re hanging on to the thing…just point it toward the urinal. Is that too hard? Apparently so.

  20. Morthax says:

    >I knew people like this at the pork plant I used to work for. Now that is something that gave me pause. We were handling people’s food, after all.And somehow they managed to pee all over the floor of the stalls as well as all over the toilet seat. We had a urinal trough, but they insisted on peeing on the seats in the stalls.

  21. AngryMan says:

    >God, I hate that. I was watching a trial one day and the defense atty was doing a phenomenal job, I was really impressed. Then during a recess both of us head for the restroom, not to pull a Craig or anything like that, and he doesn’t wash his freaking hands! At that point, I started pulling for his client to get convicted to teach that sick fuck a lesson.

  22. >See I don’t have these problems because I get a kick out of public urination. My rule is the more inappropriate the place the more fun the pee.

  23. Chickie says:

    >Eh, a few germs help build up your immune system.

  24. moooooog35 says:

    >OK, so the consensus is that we should all be washing our hands, and that “a girl, a boy and me” needs a date.

  25. robr says:

    >While the consensus might be ‘wash your hands’, I don’t get what that has to do with most of your reasons for doing so such as- pee on the floor- pee on the seat- pee on the urinal- getting splashed by the urinal- etcUnless you intend to wipe all the pee off with your hands before using sitting on the seat, you should also be washing your ass, pants and shoes. Makes me think of Paulie on the Sopranos with his bathroom shoelace phobia.

  26. abbagirl says:

    >EWW! i knew it! gross!! LOLthe guy who uses the ladies room in my class is no exception. he leaves the toilet seat up — and he drips his lemonade everywhere. EWW!!

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